(Because nothing says ‘land of the free’ like “U.S. citizens only—no refunds, no foreigners, no fun”)

 ⚠️ SATIRE WARNING ⚠️

This rant is protected under the Endangered Satirist Act of 2025. Contains high-altitude profanity, wildlife-grade sarcasm, and absolutely no tolerance for xenophobic bullshit. If you think “America First” means “Everyone Else Go Home,” then honey, you’re the reason we can’t have nice trails.

You ever just wanna take a walk?

Just a simple goddamn walk in the woods—no agenda, no signal, just trees, rocks, and maybe a bear that’s less hostile than your newsfeed?

Well too bad, because now even that’s political.

Now we’ve got a president who looked at Yosemite and said, “Hmm. Not enough exclusion. Let’s slap a surcharge on foreigners.”

Yes. This week, FOTUS signed an executive order that jacks up national park fees for non-Americans—you know, the people who used to come here to admire the scenery, spend their money, and NOT try to overthrow the government.

Now they get to pay extra, because apparently the bison are patriotic now and don’t want to be looked at by Belgians.

And what’s it for, huh?

To fund park improvements?

Nope.

It’s to plug the hole HE BLEW in the park budget with a $1 BILLION cut.

That’s not a gap.

That’s a fucking crater you could build a ski lodge in.

So instead of restoring funding—you know, the normal way government works—he slaps a toll booth on the Statue of Liberty’s welcome mat and tells you it’s “America First.”

That’s like burning down the house and charging the neighbors rent to sit on the curb.

And the justification? Oh, get ready for this steaming pile of freedom fries.

“Preferential treatment for American residents.” Because apparently we’re back to segregation now—but for hikers.

Imagine telling a Swiss family with binoculars that they’re allowed to look at the Grand Canyon, but they have to pay extra because their passport’s too French.

Or telling a Japanese couple they can’t book a sunrise tour of Yellowstone because somehow their love of natural beauty is a national security threat.

This isn’t policy. This is xenophobia in a flannel shirt.

And then—just to really twist the knife—this order doesn’t just raise fees.

It revokes Obama’s 2017 order to promote inclusion and diversity in the parks.

Yeah. That’s right.

We’re not just charging foreigners more.

We’re canceling signs that tell people of color they’re welcome here.

Because apparently the trees are racist now, and the squirrels voted for Trump.

You ever heard of “national parks for all”?

Well forget it.

Now it’s “national parks for whoever FOTUS thinks looks American enough not to threaten the purity of the gift shop.”

Oh, and let’s talk numbers.

These assholes expect $90 million in new revenue from this scheme.

Not from taxing oil companies.

Not from cutting the Pentagon’s camouflage boat budget.

No, from taxing tourists.

The people who bring in business, fill hotel rooms, eat overpriced hot dogs at the trailhead, and leave with fond memories and fewer rights than a bald eagle.

We’re turning public land—your land, my land, their land—into a toll road for white nationalism.

You know what that makes us?

It makes us the world’s first gated community with geysers.

And don’t you dare call this “conservation.”

The only thing being conserved here is ignorance and racist nostalgia.

The same kind of bullshit that says, “Keep America beautiful—by keeping it white, English-speaking, and carrying a gun.”

We’re not improving the parks. We’re weaponizing them.

We’re using them to signal who belongs and who’s an “other.”

And we’re doing it while the park rangers are quitting in droves, the bathrooms are broken, and the visitor centers can’t afford light bulbs.

You want to fix the parks? FUND THEM.

You want equity? ENFORCE IT.

You want to protect nature? STOP MAKING IT PAY FOR YOUR CULTURE WAR.

But no—this is easier.

Raise the prices for anyone with an accent.

Tear down the signs that say “everyone welcome.”

Then pose in front of Old Faithful and pretend you haven’t gutted the soul of the land you claim to love.

This isn’t “America First.”

This is America Gated, Guarded, and Grifted.

And if you think that’s patriotic?

Then you’re not a citizen.

You’re a fucking park fee.