⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Unlimited Talk, Text, and Bullshit): This is political comedy. It is loud, rude, and 5G-enabled for maximum sarcasm coverage. If you think Donald Trump is actually building a smartphone in America, you’re already in danger of dropping below 3 IQ bars. Consult your doctor before purchasing any product described as “Made in the USA” by a man whose signature business model is lying with gold trim.

Ladies and gentlemen…patriots…suckers…and people who purchased crypto from a YouTube pastor—

Let’s talk about the MAGA phone.

Remember the launch?

Oh, it was BEAUTIFUL. Straight out of a parody sketch.

Trump’s sons marched onto a stage in matching suits like fascist Valvoline spokesmodels and declared, “WE, the Trump family, are taking on Apple and Samsung.”

Sure you are, boys. And I’m taking on NASA with a fucking leaf blower.

They promised the T1, the “American-built smartphone.” A patriotic slab of freedom forged by the hands of Real Americans™—presumably in a barn behind Trump Tower, powered by prayer, liberty, and unpaid interns.

And can I just say — calling it the T1? That’s a little too Terminator for me.

The last time something called a T-anything launched without a prototype, it tried to murder humanity. So maybe not the branding you want for a phone that already looks like it arrived from the future to warn us about itself.

They said it was launching in August. Remember that? They said:

“Built in the USA!”

“World-class American craftsmanship!”

“Premium flagship specs!”

“A revolution in patriotic technology!”

“Only $499 with a $100 deposit!”

Which is an adorable way of saying: “Give us money now for a thing we will never, ever give you.”

AND THEN CAME THE ‘NOPE.’

Ohhhhhh, the NOPE.

A Mount Rushmore of Nope.

A Niagara Falls of Nope cascading over the heads of everyone who preordered this red-white-and-bullshit brick.

Let’s run it down.

❌ NOPE #1 — Not a single phone shipped.

Not one. 

Not a demo unit. Not a beta prototype. Not a box. Not even a cheap cardboard mockup pretending to be a box.

NBC News ordered one and got…nothing. Just a “We promise it’s coming!” email written by someone whose last job was probably selling extended car warranties from a strip mall.

❌ NOPE #2 — “Made in America” suddenly vanished.

Poof.

Gone. Vaporized. Erased faster than Trump erases NDAs from his memory. The website quietly switched to: “Brought to life in the USA.”

Yeah, buddy — my iPhone is “brought to life in the USA,” too. When I open the box. In my living room.

❌ NOPE #3 — The design changed… because they stole a Samsung photo.

First it had three cameras.

Then it had six cameras. Then it had “the wait is almost over!” under a picture that looked suspiciously like a Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra in a Spigen case.

Spigen saw it. Spigen laughed. 

Spigen said, “Try it, motherfucker, we WILL sue.”

❌ NOPE #4 — Suddenly the company pivoted to selling refurbished iPhones.

Nothing says “American ingenuity” like slapping your brand on used Chinese iPhones you bought in bulk from a warehouse that smells like failed crypto startups.

❌ NOPE #5 — The excuses got dumber by the hour.

At one point the company claimed deliveries were delayed because of…the government shutdown.

Ah yes.

Because as we all know, the USPS, UPS, FedEx, Amazon, DHL, and basic physics cease to function whenever Congress throws a tantrum.

❌ NOPE #6 — Zero transparency, zero accountability, maximum grift.

What processor does it use? No answer.

What security updates? No answer.

What operating system? No answer.

Where’s the factory? No answer.

But if you’d like to place ANOTHER preorder, sir, we’d be happy to take your card.

❌ NOPE #7 — It’s November, then December… and STILL no phone.

We’ve hit the point where all the evidence suggests this thing has the same chance of becoming real as:

A Trump diet plan

Barron’s coding projects

“Infrastructure Week”

Or Trump telling the truth on a day that ends in ‘y’.

THE MAGA ECONOMY IN ONE SENTENCE

The products are imaginary and the patriotism is fake. But the money?

That’s VERY real.

The T1 isn’t a phone. It’s a fundraising device. It’s a glorified vending machine that eats $100 deposits and spits out promises printed on toilet paper.

And the best part?

Even after all this, there are STILL people defending it.

They’ll say, “Give them time!” and “Supply chains are hard!” and “Apple had delays too!”

Let me tell you something: Apple doesn’t lose the ability to COUNT TO AUGUST.

THE KICKER

You know what the Trump Mobile T1 really is? The perfect metaphor for the FOTUS administration. It’s loud, gilded, marketed as patriotic, built on lies, held together with duct tape, made overseas, delivered never, and funded entirely by the gullible, the desperate, and the terminally online

So if you preordered a T1, let me save you the suspense: Your phone’s not coming. Your deposit is gone. And you just paid $100 for the privilege of being Part of the Problem.

MAGA Mobile: “Because there's always one more sucker left to grift.”