DISCLAIMER: This is satire. A joke. A performance. A George-Carlin-channeling literary exorcism aimed at public policy, not private citizens. If you find yourself offended, please consult a physician to see whether your sense of humor has been deregulated along with the nation’s fuel economy standards.

Ladies, gentlemen, gearheads, suburban warlords, and the three remaining engineers at NHTSA who haven't yet resigned in despair…

Gather ‘round. Because the President of the United States went to Japan, saw a tiny car, and came back ready to rearrange the entire federal highway system like a toddler reorganizing Legos.

This is not a drill. This is not a parody. This is national transportation policy by “Ooh, shiny!”

THE DAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SIMPLE: KILL BIDEN’S MPG RULES

That’s all he had to do Wednesday morning. Wake up, pretend to stay conscious through a cabinet meeting, sign the paperwork to dismantle Biden’s higher fuel economy standards, and go back to yelling at the television.

Easy.

But then—THEN—something sparkled in his peripheral vision.

He remembered the “cute little cars” he saw in Asia. And just like that, America’s entire regulatory framework got yeeted into the Sun.

He was supposed to gut MPG standards. Instead, he sabotaged his own talking points in real time:

“Biden’s MPG rules are BAD! Also, Japan has these adorable micro-cars that get like 60 miles to the gallon—why don’t WE have those?”

It’s like watching a Roomba slam into the same wall over and over until the battery dies.

THE SAFETY QUESTION OF DOOM

Now—before we dive deeper—Let’s do a little exercise in physics.

Picture a kei car.

1,500 pounds.

Engine the size of a Super Soaker.

A vehicle so small it qualifies for the “Under Two Feet Tall Ride for Free” line at Disney.

Now picture a Suburban.

Six. Thousand. Pounds.

What do YOU think happens when a kei car gets T-boned by a suburban mom doing 47 in a Trader Joe’s parking lot?

I’ll tell you exactly what happens: The kei car becomes conceptual art.

You will need forensics to identify which direction the driver was originally facing.

And FOTUS wants these things on American highways. You know, the same highways where 80% of the vehicles on the road are basically rolling hype videos for overcompensation.

DUFFY’S FACE SAID EVERYTHING

Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy—who, for all his faults (and they are legion), is an earnest man who did NOT expect to wake up and oversee the Great Mini-Car Migration of 2025—looked like someone had told him he’d been drafted into NASCAR.

You could see the horror wash over him. The moment where he realized: Oh God. He said it out loud. Now I have to try to MAKE it true.

That’s the rule in this administration: He speaks → You obey → Physics cries

THE MINIONS WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN

Because the instant he said it out loud — the exact moment Duffy’s soul staggered out of his body like it was late for a smoke break — you could feel the entire administration snap into panic formation.

That’s how things work around here. He opens his mouth, nonsense falls out, and suddenly every deputy, under-deputy, assistant to the assistant, and one trembling intern has to go re-arrange federal law like they’re speed-running Jenga on the roof of a moving bus.

Safety standards? Now considered “bad vibes.”

Crash tests? Too depressing.

Fuel rules? Gone faster than a Signal chat during a congressional subpoena.

Tariffs? Oh please — tariffs are now “strongly worded suggestions.”

They will twist and melt and vaporize regulations until Duffy can legally stamp approval on a kei car that weighs about the same as a golden retriever, comes with zero airbags, runs on something you’d use to power a weed-whacker, and ships with a warranty booklet that basically says, “Good luck, champ.”

Because that’s the new rule of American governance: He wants tiny cars → we get tiny cars → physics files a restraining order.

THE PRICE FANTASY

But wait — it gets better. Because naturally, he also believes these things will be cheap. Why? Because they’re cheap in Japan.

That’s the entire economic analysis. A man saw a price tag overseas and thought international shipping, tariffs, dealer markups, factory retooling, and the first wave of wrongful-death lawsuits were all optional accessories.

That $9,000 Honda S660 he thinks he can import?

By the time it gets here, it’s twenty-three grand before anyone even asks about cupholders.

And if you want the “Freedom Trim Package”? Thirty-one thousand dollars and a flag sticker, and they’ll probably delete one more airbag just out of spite.

But don’t worry — he swears it’ll all be more affordable once he dismantles the very regulations designed to make cars affordable. It’s the policy equivalent of standing in a burning building and shouting, “Fire is a Democrat problem!”

We are living inside a Möbius strip of stupidity. Schrödinger’s fuel economy: efficient until you look directly at it.

THE ENVIRONMENTAL SIDE QUEST

And remember — this entire disaster began because he wanted to kill Biden’s MPG standards.

That was the whole objective of the day: undo a sensible rule, hold a victory lap, wander off to eat a cheeseburger.

But on his way to destroy efficiency, he got distracted by efficiency. He torpedoed fuel-economy rules, then immediately praised kei cars for being super efficient, then demanded America adopt kei cars, then insisted they be built domestically — by companies that abandoned the small-car market back when Obama was still chewing nicotine gum in the Oval Office.

It’s like hearing someone yell, “I hate vegetables! Now bring me a salad! And outlaw forks!” and then watching them declare it a triumph of policy innovation.

THE ENDGAME

So buckle up, America, because we are heading straight into a future where tiny clown cars dart between 6,000-pound suburban assault wagons. Airbags are treated like luxury add-ons. Insurance companies raise premiums so fast their actuaries develop nosebleeds. Dealerships start offering discounted caskets with every micro-vehicle purchase. Japanese manufacturers laugh so hard they pull muscles. DOT officials update their résumés under their desks.

All because the President of the United States saw something “cute” on a foreign street and decided America needed it.

This isn’t policy. This isn’t strategy. This isn’t governance.

This is a man stomping through geopolitics like a confused toddler loose in a Costco, pointing at things and shouting, “MINE!” while the rest of us trail behind with a shopping cart full of consequences.