Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of understanding math — his relationship with numbers ended after ‘one, two, many.’

You know what the problem is with the monthly jobs report? Nobody’s picking up the goddamn phone! That’s it. People don’t answer surveys anymore. Caller ID killed statistics. Every lawyer in America tells their clients, “Don’t answer the government, you’ll just get sued.” So the Bureau of Labor Statistics has to beg like a Jehovah’s Witness at dinnertime. They’re lucky if 60% pick up, and the rest show up two months later saying, “Oh yeah, we fired everybody in June, sorry!” That’s why the numbers keep getting revised. It’s not fraud, it’s flakiness.

But what does Trump do? Fires the commissioner — Erika McEntarfer — because the revisions didn’t flatter him. Like she snuck into every factory in America with a Sharpie and changed the headcount. “It’s a conspiracy against me!” No, it’s not, it’s math. You can’t fire arithmetic, you orange sack of denial.

And while the numbers wobble because nobody answers the damn surveys, what does the administration do? Cuts the budget. Slashes staff. Dismantles the advisory boards. You want better data? Pay for it! But no, Trump wants the jobs report to be like a campaign rally: full of applause and imaginary friends.

And now he’s nominating some Heritage Foundation hack, E.J. Antoni, to run the place. A guy who already thinks the BLS is crooked. That’s like putting a flat-earther in charge of NASA. “Don’t worry, we’ll fix the numbers by making them up!”

This isn’t governance. This is propaganda with a calculator. Stalin with a spreadsheet. If the numbers make you look bad, fire the statistician, cut the funding, install a sycophant, and scream “fake jobs!” until people give up and stop listening.

The reality? America’s flying blind. Investors, policymakers, small businesses — they’re all guessing. And when the numbers crash into reality, it won’t be a “revision.” It’ll be a recession. But hey, as long as FOTUS gets to shout “I’m winning!” into a microphone, who needs facts?