⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

 The following is a satirical rant in the voice and style of the late, great George Carlin. It does not reflect the actual views of George Carlin (though he’d probably nod along from the afterlife with a cigarette and a sarcastic smirk). No trade ministers were harmed in the making of this screed—though a few egos might get bruised.

George Says: “YOU CALL THIS A DEAL?”

Oh, goodie! A 90-day pause on tariffs! That’s not a deal. That’s economic foreplay with no intention of finishing! It’s a glorified press release stapled to a flaming bag of crap!

Ninety days. You know what else lasts ninety days? A summer fling. A fruit fly colony. The shelf life of a used car warranty from a guy named Vinnie! This isn’t a trade strategy—it’s customs roulette, and guess who’s the ball? YOU, AMERICA. BOUNCING AROUND BETWEEN ‘MADE IN CHINA’ AND ‘SCREWED IN KANSAS.’

And let’s talk about the price tag, huh?

 Before this tariff circus started, the average household was doin’ okay—overpaying for cable, sure, but at least socks didn’t cost twenty bucks. Now? Americans are shelling out an extra $2,300 a year for the privilege of pretending we’re punishing China. That’s not a tariff. That’s a subscription to being punched in the wallet.

And where does that money go? Infrastructure? Schools? Healthcare?

 HELL NO. It vanishes into the same economic black hole that eats your dental coverage and spits out tax breaks for yacht clubs!

But here’s the part that really curdles my hemorrhoids: You can’t run a goddamn economy on 90-day promises.

 You think manufacturers are sitting there going, “Oh boy! Let me move my factory, retrain my staff, and renegotiate logistics contracts for a policy that might disappear faster than a Republican ethics committee!”

 No! They’re saying, “Screw it, let’s wait!”

 And while they wait? Prices go up, planning goes down, and common sense gets deported.

This isn’t trade reform—it’s economic necrophilia. They’re humping the corpse of capitalism and whispering, “It’s about American jobs.” NO IT’S NOT. It’s about looking tough without doing jack shit! You wanna look tough? Grow a spine and sign a real deal. One that lasts longer than a TikTok trend and doesn’t involve Americans paying more for t-shirts and toaster ovens!

And don’t come at me with “but we have to protect American workers.” You wanna help workers? Raise the minimum wage, fund job training, and stop shipping every factory to whichever country waves a coupon code!

 But no. That’d be hard. Instead, we get tariff theater. A three-month show starring nobody and written by Goldman Sachs interns on cocaine.

And hey—bonus round—every time you mess with tariffs, China doesn’t sit there and cry into its dumplings. They strike back. They raise their prices. They cut off exports. And then your iPhone costs more, your car parts take six months, and your kid’s birthday party gets ruined because the bouncy house came with a $200 shipping fee and a customs form written in Cantonese.

But yeah. Sure. “America First.” First in confusion. First in price hikes. First in pretending chaos is strength.

George out.