⚠️ LEGAL-ISH WARNING FOR THE DELICATE & LITIGIOUS ⚠️ Professional profanity incoming. Zero citations, zero bullet points, zero apologies. Outrage calibrated to George-Carlin-at-the-end-of-his-rope levels. If you’re allergic to honesty, satire, or the sound of your own party being held accountable, now’s the time to evacuate your bowels and your browser.

Let’s get something straight right from the jump: These rants are not anti-Republican.

They’re not pro-Democrat.

They’re not partisan, ideological, philosophical, or metaphysical.

They’re anti-bullshit.

And if one party keeps packing itself full of grifters, lickspittles, felons, insurrection cosplayers, Bible-salesmen-with-shell-companies, and elected officials who treat the law like a Yelp suggestion?

Yeah, it’s gonna look like we’re picking on them.

That’s not bias. That’s math.

But in the name of balance — because unlike certain political movements, we understand the concept — let’s take a stroll through the Democratic rogues’ gallery. Yes, there is one. No halos here.

Democrats screw up too. 

Henry Cuellar taking bribes like he’s trying to earn a punch-card reward.

George Norcross running a Jersey little-kingdom so slimy it should’ve come with its own EPA warning label.

Justin Pendarvis dialing up wire fraud like he thought Netflix needed a new antihero.

And good lord, Menendez — the human gold bar dispenser — a case so cartoonishly corrupt you half expect Bugs Bunny to testify.

But here’s the difference. The only difference that matters:

They get indicted.

They get charged.

They get abandoned.

They get hung out to dry.

Nobody writes love songs about them. Nobody pardons them twice before breakfast. Nobody demands a parade. Nobody calls them “patriots” or “hostages of the deep state.”

Menendez wasn’t lifted onto shoulders; he was kicked down a flight of political stairs.

 Cuellar didn’t get a superhero documentary; he got a federal indictment.

Democrats don’t shield their criminals. They prosecute them.

Meanwhile, on Planet MAGA?

You can storm a Capitol, shit on the carpets, punch a cop, steal a lectern, stockpile illegal weapons, get arrested, get convicted, get sentenced — AND THEN wake up to a full presidential pardon because Dear Leader liked your meme page.

One guy even got two pardons. Two! Like frequent-flyer miles but for domestic extremism.

This is what impunity looks like: Republicans get caught and Republicans go, “Wow, the law is very mean to us today.”

Democrats get caught and Democrats go, “Jesus Christ, get that man OUT OF HERE before he drags the rest of us down.”

But the best part?

The cosmic joke?

The punchline engraved on the tombstone of modern conservatism?

Somehow, MAGA keeps screaming that the Democrats are corrupt. While they’re running a political movement where half the Cabinet needs ankle monitors and the other half is on a waiting list.

So no — this isn’t bias. 

This isn’t partisan.

This isn’t selective outrage.

This is reporting on who keeps committing more crimes.

If the GOP wants fewer rants aimed at them, there’s a simple, elegant, time-honored solution: Stop breaking the fucking law.

Try it! 

It’s fun!

It’s free!

It’s remarkably good for your electoral prospects!

Until then?

Yeah.

It’s gonna keep tilting this way. Not because I’m choosing sides — but because one side can’t keep their hands out of the cookie jar, can’t keep their noses out of donors’ wallets, and can’t keep their fingerprints off evidence bags.

You want balance?

Balance your fucking behavior.