⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 This is a satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin, a late comedian known for unapologetically roasting public figures, government institutions, and the commodification of common sense. This parody is protected under the First Amendment, directed at public policy, not individuals, and includes strong language, biting humor, and a deep distrust of anyone selling citizenship like it’s a f***ing Costco membership.

🎤 “The Gold Card: Now With 500% More F* You!”**

A George Carlin-Style Rant

Ah yes.

 Trump's at it again.

 And this time, he’s reinventing immigration policy by turning it into a credit card commercial.

“Introducing the Gold Card! For just five million dollars, YOU TOO can be American-ish!”

That's right, folks.

 For the low, low price of $5 million, you can bypass the long lines, the quotas, the refugee vetting, the background checks, the asylum interviews—

 and instead, buy your way into the Land of the Free™ like it’s a Disney FastPass to the Constitution.

This isn't immigration.

 This is American Express with nukes.

💸 Citizenship for Sale! Get Yours Before the Collapse!

 Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they used to say "America isn’t for sale."

 Turns out that was just bad marketing.

Because now?

 Now we got the Gold Card.

A five-million-dollar golden ticket to a country where being born poor gets you debt and surveillance,

 but being born rich gets you tax cuts and Mar-a-Lago.

It’s the American Dream—

on layaway.

🇪🇺 Meanwhile, the EU Took One Look and Said, "Are You Out of Your F*ing Minds?"**

 The European Court of Justice said, “No. You can’t do that. That’s not citizenship. That’s corruption in a pantsuit.”

And Trump?

Trump said, “Hold my Diet Coke.”

He saw the EU ban the golden passport scheme and went,

“Oh, cool—guess I’ll do it bigger, dumber, and with my name embossed in gold foil.”

💀 You Know What This Is?

 It’s late-stage empire cosplay.

It’s pay-to-play patriotism.

 It’s monetized allegiance.

 It’s Platinum Oligarchy Rewards—earn miles while your government collapses.

They’re not selling visas anymore.

 They’re selling status.

Exclusivity.

 A backstage pass to late-stage capitalism.

And all you have to do is not be poor.

🧨 Final Thought?

 Let me tell you what the Gold Card really is:

It’s the American elite saying out loud what they used to only whisper:

“This country isn’t yours. It’s ours. And if you want in, you better be rich enough to never need anything.”

So congrats, America.

Your founding ideals now come with a price tag, an interest rate,

 and a fing concierge.***

But hey—

At least you get double points on drone strikes.