⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “You Can’t Legislate the Stupid Away”):
This satirical rant is delivered in the voice and volcanic tone of George Carlin. It does not represent the Carlin estate, the Texas legislature, or anyone who confuses internet hoaxes with public policy. It may contain language, logic, and laughter not suitable for lawmakers.
THE FURRIES ACT? TEXAS, YOU’VE FINALLY LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND
So let me get this straight.
Texas—home of “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper stickers and open-carry AR-15 parades through Dairy Queen—has now decided that the real threat to public education… is kids pretending to be cats.
That’s right.
They introduced a bill—called the FURRIES Act (because subtlety’s dead)—to BAN "non-human behavior" in schools.
You know.
Tails. Ears. Barking. Meowing.
Not the 500 other things that are ACTUALLY screwing up public schools—just the fictional epidemic of litter boxes in homeroom.
This isn’t policy.
This is QAnon fanfiction with a filing number.
And the guy behind it—Stan “No-Examples” Gerdes—stood in a hearing and, when asked for evidence, said he didn’t know of any actual cases in Texas.
No shit, Stan.
Because there AREN’T ANY.
You’re legislating urban legend.
You’re passing laws against TikToks your cousin saw in a Facebook group called ‘God, Guns & Grits.’
🐾 BUT HERE’S WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON:
It’s not about furries.
It’s not even about kids.
It’s about fear.
It’s about weaponizing bullshit to distract from real problems—like underpaid teachers, gutted funding, and children showing up to school hungry in the richest country on Earth.
They’re not protecting kids from pretend animals.
They’re protecting themselves from ideas.
Because when you get right down to it, what they REALLY fear is freedom of expression.
A kid wears a tail?
It’s a slippery slope to critical thinking.
And if kids start thinking critically, they might start asking why their school’s falling apart while the state legislature just spent a month debating whether meowing is Marxist.
📚 THE POWER OF BOOKS (AND WHO’S AFRAID OF THEM)
This is why they ban books.
This is why they fired the Librarian of Congress.
This is why they’re trying to turn every public institution into a Sunday school for stupid.
Because books don’t lie.
Books don’t obey.
Books don’t care who your donors are.
And the people who protect the books—the librarians, the teachers, the weird quiet kids with cat ears and straight A’s in AP Lit?
They’re the resistance.
So yeah—Texas passed a bill to fight imaginary furries.
Meanwhile, the real monsters wear suits, carry gavels, and legislate like they just lost a spelling bee to a ferret.
You want to stop the downfall of civilization?
Try banning willful ignorance, not roleplaying.
Hell, give me a school full of meowing, tail-wearing queer kids with library cards—
I guarantee they’ll run the country better than this herd of performative dimwits chasing imaginary cats through committee meetings.