⚠️ SATIRE WARNING: NOW WITH 120 DAYS OF NONSTOP PROFANITY! This is George Carlin–style political commentary. It contains truth, vulgarity, constitutional literacy, and a deep sense of “what the actual hell?” If you believe Alina Habba should be a federal prosecutor because she once yelled at a judge on TV, please close this tab and go reread the Constitution — slowly — with adult supervision.
Ladies, gentlemen, patriots, and those desperately Googling “Can a president legally appoint his personal lawyer as a federal prosecutor?” —
Let’s talk about the Alina Habba disaster, a story so stupid it should come with a Surgeon General warning about brain rot. This isn’t just corruption. This isn’t just incompetence. This is the FOTUS Justice Department trying to speedrun Banana Republic 101 and getting thrown into detention by two Bush judges and an Obama judge who all collectively said, “Stop breaking the law, you absolute lunatics.”
Because here’s what happened: Donald Trump, God Emperor of Terrible Decisions, looked at Alina Habba, his personal attorney, professional screamer, and legal embodiment of a malfunctioning car alarm, and thought, “Yes. Let’s put her in charge of federal prosecutions in New Jersey.” The U.S. Attorney’s Office. The outfit that brings federal charges. The people who handle corruption, terrorism, drug trafficking, civil rights violations, the whole fucking buffet. And he sends in a woman whose primary qualification is “once shouted on television.”
This job is supposed to be apolitical, powerful, and professional. Habba is none of the three. She’s the legal equivalent of one of those inflatable tube men outside a used car lot: waving her arms, screaming nonsense, powered entirely by hot air. But Trump put her in charge anyway, because when you’ve spent years hiring your lawyers based on Fox News screen time, “U.S. Attorney” becomes just another loyalty badge.
And here’s where we educate, kids — gather ‘round the Carlin Civics Hour. A U.S. Attorney, normally, gets nominated by the president, vetted by the Senate, and confirmed. It’s called checks and balances. You know, the thing Trump treats like a prenup? But if there’s no Senate-confirmed U.S. Attorney, the Attorney General can appoint someone temporarily. For 120 days. Not 121. Not “until we feel like it.” Not “until the king’s mood improves.” One hundred and twenty days. Full stop. After that, the district court judges get to appoint someone. The backstop exists to stop exactly the kind of political fuckery we are now describing. You cannot have a president quietly installing loyalists indefinitely. If you want to weaponize the DOJ, you actually have to get your goon through the Senate. That’s the whole goddamn point.
But the FOTUS DOJ looked at that clear, simple law and said, “Nah, we’re speedrunning autocracy today.”
So Habba gets appointed. Fine. Legal. The clock starts. Tick. Tock. Ding. Her 120 days expire. The judges do their job — literally their legal obligation — and appoint a career prosecutor to replace her. Someone competent. Someone sane. Someone who had presumably passed a background check without shouting “FAKE NEWS!” at the examiner.
And what does the Trump DOJ do? They fire him. Pam Bondi storms in like a Dollar Store Elizabeth Holmes and axes the judge-installed prosecutor. This is the moment the Founding Fathers sat up in their graves and asked, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING UP THERE?”
Then the DOJ tries to be clever — which is adorable, because they’re terrible at it. They think, “Wait! If we just name Habba ‘first assistant,’ then she becomes acting U.S. Attorney automatically!” This is not strategy. This is duct-taping wings onto a turkey and calling it an eagle. This is the kind of plan you come up with after huffing expired glue.
The judges say, “No, you can’t do that.” The law says judges appoint replacements after 120 days. The Trump team says, “What if… we pretend the law doesn’t say that?” The judges say, “It literally DOES.” The Trump team says, “But what if we BELIEVE hard enough?” And the judges — two appointed by George W. Bush and one by Barack Obama — in a rare moment of bipartisan spiritual unity, answer: “Sit the fuck down, Habba.”
Then a federal judge writes an opinion saying the administration used a “novel series of legal and personnel maneuvers,” which is judicial language for “How are you people this dumb?” And the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals affirms it in a 32-page decision that basically says, “We can’t believe we have to explain this to you.”
And now the fallout. Every case she touched could unravel. Every charge she filed might be invalid. The trespassing charge against Newark’s mayor? Toast. The assault charge against a sitting congresswoman? On life support. The New Jersey U.S. Attorney’s Office was run like a demolition derby with law degrees. And this isn’t an isolated incident — multiple Trump prosecutors across the country have been found to be unlawfully appointed.
This isn’t an accident. This isn’t ignorance. This is a strategy: installing loyalists like decorative garden gnomes, hoping no one reads the statute. A nationwide attempt to turn federal prosecution into a loyalty test.
And only the FOTUS administration could look at a crystal-clear federal statute and announce, “Time limits are for cucks.” Only they could stand in front of the federal judiciary and argue, “Actually, your honor, the Constitution is optional if we believe really hard.” Only they could hire a personal attorney to run a U.S. Attorney’s Office, watch the whole thing explode into illegality, and then claim they’re the victims because the Senate — doing its job — wouldn’t confirm her.
It’s like watching a toddler with a chainsaw complain that the safety switch is tyranny.
And here’s the part your civics teacher never warned you about: authoritarian creep doesn’t begin with tanks on the lawn or torches in the streets. It begins with little shit like this — stretching interim appointments past their limits, firing judge-appointed replacements, pretending statutes don’t apply, insisting loyalty matters more than law. This is how democracies rot. Not by accident, but by design.
Fortunately, this time, the courts said: “Get bent.”
And bless them for it.
BONUS ROUND: “IF YOU THOUGHT NEW JERSEY WAS A CLOWN SHOW, WAIT ‘TIL YOU SEE NEVADA”
If you thought New Jersey was a flaming bag of legal dogshit left on the doorstep of the Constitution, allow me to escort you — gently, lovingly, with the grace of a sarcastic ballerina — to Nevada, where the FOTUS Justice Department said:
“Wow, that New Jersey stunt was embarrassing. Let’s do it again but dumber.”
Because New Jersey wasn’t an isolated incident. Oh no. It was Episode One in what appears to be a planned anthology series titled: “How Many Federal Statutes Can We Violate Before Lunch?”
And Nevada? Nevada is Episode Two: “Babe, That’s Not How Federal Hiring Works.”
Here’s the setup: same playbook, different sandbox. The Trump team slid another loyalist into the U.S. Attorney job — another interim appointment — and when the clock ran out, they tried the exact same bullshit they tried in Jersey.
The judges said, “Okay, your 120 days are up. Time to appoint a lawful replacement.”
And the FOTUS DOJ said, “NO. NO. WE DON’T DO DEADLINES. DEADLINES ARE FOR SATANISTS AND PEOPLE WHO PAY RENT ON TIME.”
So they repeated the scheme.
They fired the judge-appointed replacement. They reinstalled their pick like they were respawning a video-game character. They tried to bypass the Senate again. They argued the judges didn’t have authority again.
And the judges again said: “Are you fuckers illiterate?”
In Nevada, a federal judge finally snapped. Not just a “sternly worded opinion” snapped. Not even a “we regret to inform you” snapped.
No. A “get your unlawfully-appointed-ass OFF MY DOCKET” snapped.
The judge nuked the entire appointment. Not a gentle correction. Not a slap on the wrist.
A full-on judicial eviction — “Pack your shit and leave, you are not the U.S. Attorney.”
And here’s the delicious part: It wasn’t just about the appointment. It was about the cases the illegally-installed prosecutor filed.
Cases collapsed like wet cardboard. Charges tossed. Indictments vaporized. Years of work undone — not by legal nuance, not by evidentiary problems, but because the FOTUS Justice Department couldn’t follow a basic hiring statute written by people who died before Instagram.
This is the part where any sane administration would look in the mirror and say,
“Hmm. Maybe we should stop appointing personal loyalists who can’t legally hold the job.”
But the FOTUS DOJ doesn’t do sanity.
They doubled down. They insisted the judge was wrong. They insisted the law didn’t say what the law says. They insisted that if they BELIEVED hard enough, if they TAPPED THEIR RED SLIPPERS together, their illegal appointment would magically become legal.
Meanwhile, the courts in two states — one blue, one purple — issued unified, bipartisan, unambiguous judicial opinions that can be summarized as: “You don’t get to run the U.S. Attorney’s Office like a Patreon reward tier.”
And here’s what should keep every reader awake at night: When a presidential administration tries — repeatedly — to install loyalist prosecutors illegally in multiple states…
when they get caught…when courts smack them down…and they KEEP DOING IT?
That’s not incompetence. That’s intent.
Because when you undermine federal prosecution in two states, you undermine it everywhere. You inject chaos into the justice system. You turn the rule of law into a roulette wheel. You make enforcement selective, political, weaponized — not because of ideology, but because you couldn’t be bothered to follow a goddamn 120-day statute.
So if New Jersey was the warm-up act, Nevada was the encore. And you can bet your last functioning neuron there are more episodes waiting backstage.
This isn’t a legal argument anymore. It’s a pattern. A strategy. A red flag the size of the Hoover Dam.
And every court that tells them “no” — every judge who says “This is illegal” — is the only thing standing between the country we’ve got and the one these people think they deserve to run by decree.