⚠️ SATIRE WARNING: NOW WITH MORE PROFANITY THAN A MILITARY GROUP CHAT: This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you find yourself defending any of the behavior described here, please consult your doctor to determine whether you’ve recently ingested lead paint, fascist propaganda, or both. Side effects may include confusion, denial, and uncontrollable urges to say “well actually” in Facebook comment sections.
Ladies, gentlemen, citizens, immigrants soon-to-be-formerly-immigrants, and anyone keeping a Doomsday Bingo card—Welcome to December in America.
We are six days in.
SIX.
And the FOTUS administration has already racked up enough scandals, disasters, authoritarian slip-ups, naps, pardons, brain farts, and constitutional malpractice to fill an entire season of prestige television.
This isn’t governing. This is a gas leak in a fireworks factory.
Let’s begin.
THE PRESIDENTIAL NAP & THE MRI HE CAN’T EXPLAIN
So the president — the actual president, the leader of the free world, the guy with the nuclear codes — fell asleep during a Cabinet meeting.
Not a nod. Not a droop. Not a “resting eyelids for effect.” A full-on “Grandpa’s out cold and we’re taking his wallet.”
And this came HOURS after he posted on Truth Social about his “perfect MRI,” a phrase no one uses unless they think medical imaging is a Yelp review.
He didn’t say what body part was scanned. Which, based on the evidence, was almost certainly not his brain.
But hey! At least he didn’t sleep-tweet during it.
Small mercies.
THE HENRY CUELLAR PARDON: BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ‘LATINO OUTREACH’ LIKE BRIBERY ADJACENCY
Henry Cuellar. A sitting Democratic congressman. Indicted — not accused, not rumored — indicted by Biden’s DOJ for taking nearly $600,000 in bribes with his wife.
Democrats backed away like he was radioactive.
And Trump — Commander-in-Cheese — kicks off December by pardoning him.
Why? Because he thinks pardoning an indicted Latino politician is the same as “connecting with Hispanic voters.”
This isn’t outreach. This is bribery fanfiction.
THE GREEN CARD FREEZE: NOW WITH 19 COUNTRIES OF CHAOS
Next up, DHS halts green card processing for citizens of nineteen countries.
Not because of national security, though that’s their excuse. Not because of law. But because the administration has decided immigration is now a loyalty test.
Families stranded. Employers screwed. Attorneys screaming into pillows.
And the White House says, “Don’t worry, we’ll get to your paperwork right after we finish the purge.”
DENATURALIZATION & ‘REMIGRATION’: THE MASK DROPS
The president and his cronies are openly talking about revoking citizenship and shipping naturalized Americans “back where they came from.”
You know — people who followed the rules, passed the tests, paid the fees, and believed this country meant what it said.
Suddenly your passport is conditional. Your citizenship is on probation. Your rights are revocable based on vibes.
We are one bad speech away from conducting naturalization ceremonies in pencil.
ICE GOES FULL VILLAIN MODE: THE LICENSE PLATE SCANDAL
Meanwhile, ICE agents have been swapping license plates on rental cars like they’re auditioning for a reboot of Breaking Bad.
No warrants. No transparency. Just undercover surveillance cosplay.
Illinois called them out. Wrote letters to NINETEEN car rental companies, warning them of their liability. ICE shrugged. The rest of the country said, “Jesus, at least wear a fake mustache if you’re going to act like a cartoon villain.”
TENNESSEE-7: THE RED WAVE IS A PINK DRIBBLE
Let’s talk about the Tennessee special election — TN-7.
A district Trump won by 22 points in 2024. A district Mark Green held with 60%+ every election.
This should have been a MAGA victory lap. A coronation. A bloodbath. A way to wave their tiny hands in celebration after November’s thrashing in New Jersey and Virginia.
Instead?
Republican Neil Van Epps — with MILLIONS from MAGA Inc, TWO Trump tele-rallies, and a personal visit from Little Mikey Johnson —barely scraped out a 9-point win.
A +22 district dropped to +9.
That’s not a wave. That’s a bathroom leak.
When your political machine is that well-funded and the voters still say, “Ehhhhh… maybe,” you have a structural problem. Possibly neurological.
Possibly connected to those naps.
SIGNALGATE REDUX: THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE RUNNING NATIONAL SECURITY LIKE A GROUP CHAT
Now we descend into the Pentagon.
Hegseth, the Secretary of Defense — an office that traditionally prefers classified channels — has been conducting official business over Signal. Remember that? Lemme refresh your memory.
Not just with generals. Not just with cabinet officials. But with his personal lawyers, his wife, and A REPORTER.
The man turned national security into a family text thread.
Imagine being a four-star general and your orders come through sandwiched between “Did you pick up milk?” and “LOL check out this meme.”
There’s a reason the Pentagon launched an internal review. It took ‘em eight months, but they’ve released their report, and guess what? The employees still clinging to ethics like it’s a flotation device in a sinking ship are trying to save what’s left of our institutional dignity. They concluded that he violated protocol and rules for handling classified material.
Shocker.
But let’s give them credit. Most of the Inspector General corps has been fired.
AND THEN THERE’S THE WAR CRIME ORDER.
Hegseth reportedly told troops performing maritime flyovers to circle back and “kill them all.”
In what universe is that legal?
When the Hague starts pre-printing your name on stationery, you have fucked up on a historical level.
AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST WEEK OF DECEMBER.
This isn’t a tough week. This is a meltdown wearing a sash.
The cruelty is deliberate. The corruption is structural. The incompetence is staggering. And the month isn’t even a week old.
December is supposed to be the season of peace on Earth.
Instead, we’ve got ICE swapping license plates like meth dealers, the Secretary of Defense running policy through his wife’s encrypted app, the president nodding off in meetings, and a White House that thinks pardoning an indicted congressman is culturally sensitive outreach.
Merry goddamn Christmas.
Let’s see what next week brings.