⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

THE FLUORIDE FREAKOUT: RINSING YOUR BRAIN WHILE YOUR TEETH ROT

 Fluoride.

 That magical mineral that keeps your molars from looking like gravel.

 We’ve been putting it in the water for decades, and guess what?

 Your teeth didn’t fall out.

 Your brain didn’t melt.

 And the government didn’t install mind-control antennas in your bicuspids.

But now, suddenly, fluoride is public enemy number one.

 Why?

Because apparently, “preventing cavities” is now a communist plot.

Let’s start with RFK Jr., shall we?

Here’s a guy who thinks fluoride is a neurotoxin, but a little mercury in your vaccine is worth going to war over.

 He’s the kind of guy who probably thinks mouthwash is liberal propaganda and flossing is a deep state operation to get between your thoughts.

Now he’s trying to yank fluoride out of the water faster than you can say, “unbrushed Libertarian.”

 Because, you see, in RFK Land, anything that involves public health is obviously a psy-op.

Then there’s Ron DeSantis, that meatball-shaped bundle of resentment with presidential delusions and a perma-scowl.

 This guy passed a law in Florida banning fluoride in drinking water—because, and I quote, “Hydrate, not medicate.”

HYDRATE. NOT MEDICATE.

 Sounds like a slogan you’d find on a t-shirt next to “Let’s Go Brandon” and a wolf howling at ivermectin.

And look—I’ve been to Florida.

 You people need every molecule of dental help you can get.

 Removing fluoride from Florida water is like taking sunscreen off the shelf in Death Valley.

 You’re not helping.

 You’re declaring war on enamel.

But wait, it gets better.

Texas, because of course it’s Texas, now has officials calling fluoride “government-mandated chemical brainwashing.”

 The AG is investigating toothpaste.

 TOOTHPASTE.

Yes, there’s literally a lawsuit against Colgate and Crest, demanding they remove fluoride from toothpaste.

 Because obviously the fluoride’s not the problem—it’s the tubes conspiring with George Soros.

Meanwhile, the Texas Agriculture Commissioner thinks water fluoridation is “forced medication” and wants a statewide ban.

 I don’t know what’s in the water down there, but I guarantee you it ain’t logic.

And let’s not leave out Utah, which was just named the best state to live in.

 By who? Dentists? Not likely.

 Because Utah also passed a statewide ban on fluoride in drinking water.

 That’s right. The so-called best place to raise a family is now the best place to raise dental bills.

 Your kid’s teeth might glow in the dark, but hey, freedom!

And they say liberals are the snowflakes?

 These guys are so paranoid, they think fluoride is a Trojan horse for UN mind control—but are totally fine chugging unregulated testosterone supplements from a gas station vending machine.

Meanwhile, the actual science—remember that thing? Science? It used to be in books—says fluoride reduces cavities by 25%.

 That’s not communism.

 That’s math, dumbass.

But now we’ve got an entire political movement treating cavity prevention like it’s the second coming of Watergate.

 Next thing you know, they’ll be banning toothbrushes in red states.

“Oral hygiene is woke!” they’ll scream, as their teeth fall out in Morse code for “HELP ME.”

Let me tell you something, folks.

 You can argue about taxes. You can argue about pronouns.

 But when you start fighting to take dental protection out of the water, you’re not defending freedom.

 You’re defending plaque.

So here’s your choice, America:

 You can drink fluoridated water and keep your teeth.

 Or you can suck on conspiracy Kool-Aid and gum your steak until the rapture.

Your call.