This fictional rant is a satirical homage to the late, great George Carlin—comedian, truth-teller, linguistic demolition expert, and national treasure. George Carlin did not write or perform this piece (because necromancy is, sadly, still illegal in most jurisdictions). Any resemblance to real persons, events, or cable news guests with suspicious hairlines is purely intentional and delivered with love, rage, and a raised eyebrow.

This post contains strong language, unapologetic political commentary, and a refusal to sanitize systemic injustice. If you found it offensive, good. That means you're paying attention.

(Not appearing on HBO because it’s been bought by Elon Musk and rebranded as FreedomVision™.)

You know what I love about America?

We always say the quiet part out loud—eventually. It’s like our national sport.

So here we are: Day 96 of The Great American Fire Sale, and let’s take stock of what your friendly fascist feds have been up to:

🏛️ The Federally F*ed Files**

 Due process? Nah, that’s for suckers. This administration is now proudly deporting legal residents—and maybe citizens—to El Salvador’s gulag-in-the-making, CECOT. No trial. No appeal. Just Oops! All Authoritarianism.

• Immigration? Gone. Zeroed out. We don’t need immigrants—we’ve got wombs! Which is why they’re handing out $5,000 “baby bonuses” and teaching menstrual cycle classes like that’s gonna fix the economy. "Bleed for your country!" has taken on a whole new meaning.
• Ukraine/Russia peace talks? DOA.
• Israel/Hamas ceasefire? A joke.
• Gaza? Occupied! Because nothing says "peace process" like annexing foreign land for the cameras.
• The economy? Don’t worry—they fixed it! By:
  • Reinstating tariffs that tanked the stock market
  • Firing career civil servants by the thousands
  • Replacing them with conspiracy bloggers and meat smokers
  • Watching Tesla crash and calling it a free market correction
• The IRS? Purged.
• The CDC? On life support.
• NASA? Still around—barely. But they’re too busy filming promo videos for Blue Origin’s all-female crew, which is about as empowering as sending Barbie to space in a pink escape pod filled with scented candles.

And oh, did I mention JD Vance—excuse me, James Donald Bowman, a name that screams "trust fund colonel from a failed Confederate reboot"—visited the Pope?

And the Pope died the next f*ing day.**

 Coincidence? Maybe.

 Bad optics? Like an oil spill in the Vatican.

🗳️ Now Let’s Talk About The States: The Junior Tyrant League

 Welcome to the Not Ready For Primetime Players: your state-level stormtroopers.

Let’s start with Florida, where Governor Ron “Diet DeSantis” just decided kids need more opportunities—to work themselves into lifelong poverty.

• Legalized teens working 30+ hours a week
• Cut school oversight
• Made it easier to exploit minors while banning books that teach them about labor rights
• Because nothing says “freedom” like a 14-year-old mopping blood off a factory floor

And then there’s Oklahoma, where the policy motto is basically: “What if Handmaid’s Tale, but with more guns?”

• Outlawing gender-affirming care
• Banning drag shows
• And considering a bill that would make miscarriages investigatable offenses

Don’t forget North Carolina, where they’re trying to steal an election through the courts by hijacking a state Supreme Court seat. Because nothing says democracy like stacking the judicial deck while screaming about voter fraud.

📜 And Then There's the SAVE Act

 The SAVE Act: America’s new favorite Orwellian acronym. It stands for:

Stop Americans from Voting Ever.

Oh, sorry—my bad. It’s actually:

Safeguard American Voter Eligibility.

Which sounds nice until you read the fine print and realize it’s a backdoor attempt to:

• Purge voter rolls
• Intimidate immigrants
• Require citizenship documentation most voters don’t even have access to
• And empower armed weirdos to “challenge” voters at polling stations like it’s a medieval trial by combat

Spoiler: it’s not about saving elections. It’s about controlling outcomes.

🧨 Final Thoughts from the Beyond

 This isn’t governance. This is a scam.

It’s a parade of fascists in discount polos pretending to be patriots while looting the country, one school lunch and menstrual cycle at a time.

They say they love America, but they hate everything in it:

• Teachers
• Journalists
• Doctors
• Students
• Workers
• Women
• Trans people
• Immigrants
• Voters
• Science
• Empathy
• And apparently the Pope

They’ve weaponized incompetence, monetized cruelty, and turned the Constitution into a f***ing napkin they blow their noses on between cable news hits.

And if you’re not mad?

Congratulations.

You’ve officially normalized the absurd.

Now if you'll excuse me, I’m off to apply for a work permit for a 12-year-old, sign up for ovulation class, and apply to run the country.

After all—it worked for them.