Disclaimer

This is satire. No judges were harmed in the making of this rant — though a couple may need to explain to their donors why they suddenly remembered the Constitution exists.

The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. Yeah, that Fifth Circuit. The court so far right they don’t even have left arms. The place you go when you want theocracy with a side of tax cuts.

And lately? They’ve been… reasonable. I know, I can’t believe it either.

First up — drag shows.

 Texas university says: “No drag shows on campus!”

The Fifth Circuit says: “It’s free speech, assholes. Put on your wigs, turn up the music, let the kids have fun.”

Protected drag queens in Texas. Didn’t see that one coming.

Then Louisiana.

They wanted the Ten Commandments plastered on every classroom wall. Every single one. Like kids can’t pass algebra unless they’ve memorized “Thou Shalt Not Covet.”

The Fifth Circuit says: “Ever heard of the Establishment Clause? Keep your Bible off the blackboard.”

Boom — church and state still divorced, at least in Louisiana classrooms.

But wait — it gets better.

Louisiana again. Redistricting. A third of the state is Black, but the maps made it look like Black voters were on the endangered species list.

The Fifth Circuit says: “Nope. That’s racial gerrymandering. Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act still counts. Try again.”

The Fifth Circuit — protecting Black voters. Hell just installed central air.

And then — the pièce de résistance.

Trump’s crew tries to dust off the Alien Enemies Act. From 1798. John Adams!

To deport Venezuelan gang members.

The Fifth Circuit says: “What the hell are you doing? That law was for wartime, not immigration cosplay.”

Even they couldn’t stomach 18th-century authoritarian fanfic.

So yeah — the Fifth Circuit.

In the last couple months, they’ve protected drag queens, kept God off the chalkboard, defended Black voters, and told Trump to quit LARPing as Alexander Hamilton.

The Fifth Circuit. Accidentally the ACLU with better suits.