⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. Harsh, furious, and entirely clean-air–approved. If you think the climate crisis is just a liberal excuse for weather-themed socialism, you may want to go stare at a tailpipe for comfort. For everyone else: inhale deeply—while you still can.

🎤 THE RANT:

So the Environmental Protection Agency—yes, the one with the word “protection” in the name—just made the single most unprotected, unhinged move since a raccoon ran for city council:

They’ve officially declared that greenhouse gases no longer pose a threat to human health.

That’s right.

According to the EPA under President Felon of the United States and his lapdog appointee Lee Zeldin, carbon dioxide is your friend.

Apparently, breathing isn’t what it used to be, and you ungrateful mouth-breathers need to stop worrying and learn to love the smog.

How did they announce this historic unraveling of two decades of environmental policy?

A press briefing?

A scientific conference?

Nope.

They dropped it on the “Ruthless” podcast—because if you’re going to set fire to the planet, you might as well do it from a gamer chair between a steak ad and a rant about Bud Light.

Let’s rewind for a second.

In 2009, the EPA declared that greenhouse gases endanger public health.

Why? Because they do.

CO₂, methane, nitrous oxide—they warm the planet, melt the poles, cook the crops, wreck the lungs.

That ruling, backed by science and the damn Supreme Court, became the legal backbone for vehicle emission standards, power plant rules, and climate protections.

Now? Gone. Repealed.

Because "plants like carbon dioxide.”

That’s their justification.

Plants also like dirt. Should we all go lick the floor of a greenhouse now?

Zeldin says we’ve been “ignoring the benefits” of CO₂.

That’s like telling a burn victim to enjoy the warmth.

Like telling a drowning man that "water is life."

And this isn’t just theoretical.

You know what repealing this ruling means?

• Tailpipe emissions go up.
• Smog gets worse.
• Asthma skyrockets.
• Kids suffer.
• Storms get bigger.
• Fires get hotter.
• Floods drown homes in ZIP codes politicians can't even pronounce.

But don’t worry, you might save four cents at the gas pump.

So go ahead. Trade breathable air for Exxon stock dividends.

And here’s the real kicker:

They’re not just repealing the regulations.

They’re trying to rewrite the science itself.

The EPA is literally saying the scientific foundation of climate policy is now “questionable.”

Not because of new studies.

Not because of peer review.

But because they don’t like what it says.

That’s it.

The oil lobby didn’t approve the data, so now the atmosphere is fake news.

Final Thought?

This isn’t deregulation.

This is mass gaslighting on a global scale.

This is murder by memo.

The air gets thicker, the oceans rise, the crops die—and these guys are bragging about cutting red tape like they’re selling you a new mattress.

Well here’s a mattress for you: it’s underwater, on fire, and covered in soot.

Maybe—just maybe—it’s time to treat climate change like the planetary arson it is.

Maybe it’s time we said “NO” to giving oil companies legal immunity from science.

But we won’t.

Because this administration doesn’t do accountability.

It does branding.

And if they could rename carbon monoxide “Freedom Fog,” they would.

So breathe in, folks.

The apocalypse now comes with a podcast episode.