DISCLAIMER: ⚠️ Professional rage ahead. Viewer discretion advised for hypocrisy allergies, constitutional whiplash, and acute exposure to bullshit. This rant contains no citations, no footnotes, no apologies, and absolutely no patience for performative outrage by people who wiped their asses with the Voting Rights Act last Tuesday.

You want to know what selective outrage looks like? Here it is, wearing a flag pin and a smirk, filing a lawsuit in California because—gasp!—the Democrats finally decided to use the GOP’s favorite toy: gerrymandering.

Yes! After Texas carved its congressional map with a buzzsaw dipped in MAGA Kool-Aid…

After Missouri and Indiana treated their districts like a Jackson Pollock painting drawn blindfolded in a moving truck…

After North Carolina and Ohio stomped their maps into political pretzels…

AFTER ALL THAT—the DOJ under FOTUS finally looks up from its golden toilet and says: “Hold on a minute… THIS is a problem!”

California redraws districts to grab five seats, and suddenly it’s the crime of the century. 

Texas grabs five? “States’ rights!”

Missouri grabs four? “Local control!”

Indiana redraws a district into the shape of a drunk salamander holding a Bible? “Looks great, move along!”

But California? No, no, that’s tyranny. That’s racism. That’s civil rights violations, according to Pam Bondi — a woman whose legal opinions carry the same intellectual force as a damp Kleenex.

This DOJ didn’t bat an eye while red states built congressional maps that looked like crime scenes at a geometry convention. But the second California uses the same playbook? The moral panic hits Code Red, sirens wailing, papers flying, fainting couches deployed.

This isn’t hypocrisy. This is weapon-grade hypocrisy. This is hypocrisy with a gym membership and a sponsorship deal.

Because here’s the part the DOJ hopes you forgot: The Supreme Court already said you can partisan-gerrymander to your black little heart’s content.

Racial gerrymanders? Illegal.

Political gerrymanders? “Gee, looks like a state problem. Good luck, peasants!”

That’s the rule. The GOP wrote it in Sharpie. The Court laminated it. Every red state in the country has been dry-humping that ruling for a decade.

And now California — God bless their petty, strategic, beautifully vengeful little hearts — says, “Oh, so we’re playing that game? Fantastic. Deal us in.”

The GOP response?

SUE THE REFS. SUE THE STADIUM. SUE THE GODDAMN BALL.

Because if blue states start playing by red-state rules, the GOP loses its monopoly on legal cheating.

This DOJ lawsuit isn’t about civil rights. It’s not about fairness. It’s not about protecting democracy.

It’s about protecting their democracy — the one where Republicans draw the maps, Republicans count the votes, and Republicans decide which voters count as people.

And the timing?

Oh, the timing.

Off-year elections go badly. Voters revolt. Blue states start sharpening their pencils.

And suddenly the DOJ remembers it has legs and decides to sprint to the courthouse.

It’s not justice. It’s not principled. It’s not constitutional.

It’s panic, wearing a suit and screaming “ILLEGAL!” because someone finally turned the tables and said, “No, sweetheart — you follow the rules for once.”

And here’s the finale, the part they don’t want you to say out loud: The DOJ will lose.

Not because California is saintly.

Not because Newsom is correct.

Not because the moral arc bends toward justice.

They will lose because this is a political gerrymander, and the Supreme Court already ruled that political gerrymanders are none of their business.

They built the weapon. California just fired it.

And now the DOJ is crying foul because someone finally aimed the gun back at them.

Cry harder.