⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. The views expressed are humorous commentary on public policy, not personal attacks or legal accusations. No customs agents, yoga pants, commemorative Bigfoot spoons, or international sock smugglers were harmed in the making of this rant. If your administration chooses to tax $20 pens and call it national security, expect someone to point out the absurdity—with gusto. 

Here we go again.

 President Felon of the United States, also known as the walking economic migraine with spray tan highlights, has done it again.

With the stroke of his sweaty, Sharpie-wielding hand, he just nuked the de minimis exemption for every country on Earth.

Now, what’s “de minimis,” you ask?

It’s Latin for “this crap isn’t worth charging duty on.”

It’s the rule that says if you order something under $800 from overseas, you don’t have to pay extra tariffs because you’re not importing a Lamborghini—you just wanted socks from Sweden.

But Trump?

Trump looked at that and said, “No, no. That sounds like freedom. Kill it.”

Because why let the average American buy affordable shoes from Spain when we can slap a tariff on it, make it more expensive, and pretend it’s about national security?

Let’s be clear:

This isn’t about drugs.

This isn’t about China.

This is about milking the American people like cows while telling them it’s for their own protection.

They say it’s to stop fentanyl and counterfeit goods.

Cool.

You know who isn’t sending you fentanyl in a package of novelty socks from Belgium?

Belgium.

You want to stop drugs? Fund Customs and Border Patrol.

You want to stop counterfeits? Fund inspection teams.

You don’t blow up the entire e-commerce structure of the planet like you’re trying to swat a fly with a Buick.

This is like setting your whole house on fire because one sock had a spider in it.

And the best part?

Now, if you buy a $25 phone case from the UK, you’ll be treated like a customs smuggler at JFK.

Every single package—no matter how small—has to clear duty, declaration, documentation.

“Hello sir, we noticed you ordered a commemorative Bigfoot spoon from Portugal. That’ll be $62.47 in tariffs and $15 for the paperwork. Thank you for your service.”

Small businesses? Screwed.

Shoppers? Screwed.

Shipping companies? Screwed.

But don’t worry! We’re sticking it to the evil empire of... gift mugs and foreign yoga pants.

Now the Trumpists are out here calling it a “victory for American manufacturing.”

Really? You know who benefits from this?

Bureaucrats. Lawyers. Warehouse landlords.

Because now every Etsy seller in Estonia needs a law degree and a shipping compliance team just to send you a novelty fridge magnet.

Meanwhile, the fentanyl’s still coming through like it’s got a FastPass.

And here’s the gold-plated cherry on top:

This man—this real estate gremlin in a flag tie—told us other countries would be paying these tariffs.

That’s right! “China’s paying the tariffs.”

That was the mantra.

Then why are you handing out $600 ‘tariff rebates’ to Americans like it’s hush money for being lied to?

If China’s paying the bill, why are we getting a rebate?

Are we laundering logic now too?

You know who loses when you destroy de minimis?

The little guy.

• The guy ordering parts for his side hustle.
• The woman importing fabric for her handmade quilt store.
• The student ordering a secondhand textbook from Canada.
•  Now they’re all gonna pay more, wait longer, and maybe stop doing it entirely.

Because bureaucracy kills creativity.

And this? This is death by paperwork.

Final thought?

This isn't economic policy.

This is rage-based governance—economic cosplay by a man who thinks supply chains are what you use to tow boats.

And it’s not even about protectionism.

It’s about performative pain.

Trump isn’t protecting Americans.

He’s taxing their t-shirts, blaming Mexicans, and calling it “making America great again.”

No, folks.

He’s just making Amazon slower, Etsy more expensive, and every one of your impulse buys a federal affair.

Welcome to the United States of Duty Fees and Dysfunction.

Because apparently, we don’t do freedom anymore.

Just filing forms and pretending it’s policy.