DISLCAIMER: This rant contains profanity, sacrilege, outrage, and biting political commentary—none of which should be mistaken for legal advice, financial guidance, or polite dinner conversation. If you're allergic to f-bombs, economic reality, or the truth, you should leave now before something ruptures.

You know, when I was a kid—George-time, 1940s, post-war New York—a penny meant something. A penny bought gum. A penny bought your dignity back after getting your ass kicked at stickball. A penny was your passport to childhood economics. You saved ‘em in a jar, traded ‘em for candy, dropped ‘em in fountains, flattened ‘em on railroad tracks, swallowed ‘em on dares—whatever. A penny was your first lesson in money: small things matter.

And now?

The United States government just dragged the penny behind the barn and shot it so FOTUS could brag about “saving money.”

Saving money.

Saving money.

We have a $2 trillion deficit, a $35 trillion national debt, an economy running on fumes, and these clowns are bragging that killing the penny saves… what… 0.00016% of the deficit?

That’s not fiscal responsibility.

That’s masturbation with a calculator.

They didn’t eliminate the penny to help Americans—they eliminated it so FOTUS could wave a shiny headline around like a toddler who found a nickel and thinks he controls the Federal Reserve. “LOOK! I FIXED IT! I SAVED FIFTY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS!”

Yeah, champ. You know what else is fifty-six million dollars?

Five minutes of Pentagon bookkeeping errors.

A medium-sized defense contractor sneezing.

The interest on the bullshit you already signed us up for.

But hey—fuck the nuance. Let’s kill the penny because it looks like governance.

And they didn’t just kill a coin—they kneecapped entire supply chains.

Zinc mines? Screwed.

Copper producers? Screwed.

Foundries and metal suppliers? Screwed.

Small American manufacturers who depended on mint contracts? Screwed.

“America First,” my ass. They just offshored childhood.

Kids won’t get to feel the heft of real money. No piggy banks. No lemonade stand change. No counting coins. No saving up for baseball cards. They’ll learn “money” the modern way: through a fucking debt app with cartoon characters cheering while you max out your first credit card at nineteen.

And here’s the really sinister part.

Canada axed the penny years ago, but they did it like adults. They passed laws, rules, protections. They said, “Here’s how rounding works, here’s how to keep people from getting screwed.”

America? America said, “Eh, let Walmart figure it out.”

And you know how that’s gonna go.

Everything’s rounding up. 

A $3.01 item becomes $3.05.

A $1.99 item becomes $2.00.

Every transaction—online, in person, cash, card—slowly, invisibly, silently, relentlessly squeezing the poorest among us for an extra nickel every time they breathe near a cash register.

You think that won’t add up?

Nickels become quarters.

Quarters become dollars.

Dollars become billions siphoned upward.

This is a rounding tax on poor people, gift-wrapped in bullshit “savings.”

And while they’re crowing about saving $56 million, they’re still refusing to fund SNAP—literally starving the people who now get to pay more for rounded-up groceries.

So let’s be clear: This wasn’t about savings.

This wasn’t about efficiency.

This was FOTUS doing what he always does: performative austerity while he and his cronies piss away money like drunken pirates.

The penny is gone.

But the contempt behind the decision?

That’s still here. And it has a face the color of a traffic cone and the moral compass of a slot machine.

They didn’t retire the penny. They buried the last piece of economic dignity poor Americans had.