⚖️ Legal Disclaimer
 This is a First Amendment–protected satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin. If you think the vulgarity is the problem and not the authoritarian grift being described, you might already be part of the punchline.
🎤 “The Constitution Ain’t a Coupon, Donnie!”
 A George Carlin-Style Rant on Trump’s First Amendment Idiocy
So the bloated orange menace is back at it—Donald J. Can’t-Read-the-Constitution Trump—and this time he’s defunding Big Bird and trying to tax Harvard for not clapping hard enough.
You know, like a fascist Disney villain who failed civics class but aced revenge porn.
📚 Let’s Start With Harvard.
 So what’s the issue?
“They’re too woke. They let students protest. They don’t follow my orders.”
So?
“We’ll revoke their tax-exempt status!”
Oh wow, great plan! Except for one tiny detail:
YOU. CAN’T. DO. THAT.
Harvard is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, which means its tax-exempt status is governed by federal law and overseen by the IRS—an independent agency.
 You remember “independent,” right?
 Like free press and free people used to be before you started spackling authoritarianism over the First Amendment.
The president cannot tell the IRS who to investigate.
 It’s literally in their operating charter, and for good reason.
Because if we let the executive branch weaponize tax law against political opponents, we’d call that... a fing dictatorship.***
🦆 But Wait, There’s More: Now He’s Going After PBS and NPR
 Apparently “Sesame Street” is a radical cell now.
 "Arthur" is leading an insurgency.
 And “All Things Considered” is too dangerous for public funding because someone once said the word “climate.”
So Trump signs an Executive Order to “end funding for biased media.”
 Nice try, champ— except you can’t do that either.
Why?
Because NPR and PBS don’t work for you.
 They’re funded through the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB), a private, independent nonprofit created by Congress.
Let me say that again, slowly:
Congress. Not the White House.
Congress holds the purse strings, not you, Donnie.
 You’re not a king.
 You’re not a CEO.
 You’re not even a competent mall Santa.
You don’t get to sign an order and cancel "Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood" because you’re mad about pronouns and Black puppets.
🤡 And the Reason? “They're Biased.”
 Oh, biased?
Coming from the man whose news diet is Fox, OANN, and whatever Hannity farts out between commercials for brain pills.
Bias?
From the guy who hired a Supreme Court justice with a vendetta against drag queens and thinks truth is whatever’s trending on Truth Social?
Give me a goddamn break.
If Trump had his way, public broadcasting would consist of Steve Bannon reading The Art of the Deal to a toddler in a tank top.
🧨 Final Thought?
 This isn’t about bias.
 It’s about control.
- You silence the press.
- You punish universities.
- You cut off funding for neutral voices.
- You rewrite “freedom” as loyalty to Dear Leader.
But here’s the thing, Donnie:
The First Amendment doesn’t come with a loyalty clause. It wasn’t written in crayon. And it doesn’t give a flying f* about your feelings.**
So you can whine.
 You can sign your toothless EOs.
 You can throw tantrums in front of flags.
 But you can’t rewrite reality.
The IRS doesn’t work for you.
 CPB doesn’t work for you.
And the American people sure as hell don’t either.
🦅 Executive Order 14321
 “Muzzles for Muppets and Taxes for the Woke”
Issued from the Desk of the Supreme Sledgehammer of Free Speech, Donald J. Trump
May 2025
Section 1. Purpose
 In recognition of the ongoing threat posed by elite academic institutions and biased media outlets to the security, values, and branding initiatives of these United States, this Executive Order hereby affirms the federal government’s sacred duty to defund disloyalty and revoke tax privileges from institutions that do not sufficiently worship the Constitution as interpreted by Me.
Section 2. Revocation of Harvard University’s Tax-Exempt Status
 Effective immediately:
- Harvard University, hereafter known as “Antifa Academy,” shall be referred to the IRS for expedited revocation of its 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status.
- Grounds for revocation include:
- Allowing protests I don’t like.
- Having students who read too much.
- Not naming a dorm after me despite the obvious greatness I have achieved.
- Additional Ivy League institutions may be evaluated by the Department of Education’s new Office of Wokeness Monitoring, chaired by Kanye West.
Section 3. Elimination of Funding for Public Broadcasting
 The Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) shall be stripped of all federal funding unless:
- Big Bird reenlists in the military.
- NPR anchors pledge allegiance to the stock market before each broadcast.
- PBS programming includes at least three (3) pro-oil documentaries per fiscal quarter.
- “All Things Considered” must now include “My Feelings First” as a mandatory opening segment.
Section 4. Creation of Approved Media List
 A “Patriot Programming Seal” will be awarded to approved news organizations, including but not limited to:
- OANN
- Newsmax
- The pillow guy's livestream
- That one YouTube guy who screams at libraries
- Any outlets found using facts without permission shall be fined and forced to host a panel moderated by Kid Rock.
Section 5. Reeducation of Puppets
 A special task force, Operation Sesame Smackdown, shall review all current and historical Muppet content for evidence of:
- Socialist leanings
- Non-heteronormative fur patterns
- Unpatriotic curiosity
Any Muppet found guilty of radicalization shall be reassigned to an instructional video on how to fold the American flag.
Section 6. Severability
 If any part of this Order is found unconstitutional, I will ignore it and say the judge was a radical Marxist with a personal vendetta against Christmas.
Signed,
Donald J. Trump
 Commander-in-Soapboxes,
 President of the Great Again States of America