⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I): 

 The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

🎤 THE CHURCH, CONFESSIONS, AND CHILD PROTECTION

 Classic Edition, Now with 100% More Legal Indignation

You remember what I always said about the church, right?

“Religion is bullshit.”

 Organized religion, that is. A billion-dollar tax-exempt guilt factory run by guys in robes who think they're holier than you because they haven’t had sex—or worse, they have, and didn’t tell the altar boy.

So now here comes Washington State, doing something shockingly reasonable for once:

 They pass a law that says, “Hey, if someone walks into a confessional and says, ‘I’ve been abusing children,’ maybe, just maybe, we should TELL SOMEBODY.”

And what does the Church do?

They lose their goddamn minds.

 They scream about “sacred trust,” “divine secrecy,” and “violating canon law.”

 You know what I call that?

Accessory. To. A. Fucking. Felony.

Let’s get this straight: they’re not mad because they can’t help people anymore.

 They’re mad because the power structure—the blackmail-by-hail-Mary system they’ve been using for centuries—is finally being cracked open like a communion wafer.

And then they have the BALLS to say that any priest who follows this law—any priest who does the right thing, who says “Yes, I’ll protect that child instead of the guy confessing to raping them”—that priest will be excommunicated.

EXCOMMUNICATED.

 You know what that means?

 You’re banned from a club that still can’t figure out how to apologize for the Spanish Inquisition or the fucking Crusades.

Let me tell you something:

 If your god needs you to protect a pedophile to keep the system sacred, maybe your system needs a lightning strike and a bulldozer.

Here’s what the Church doesn’t want you to know:

 That booth? That little box with the screen and the whispering and the shame?

 That’s not about forgiveness. That’s about control.

 It’s informant protection for abusers dressed up in Latin.

And they call it a sacrament.

 Well I got a sacrament for you:

Get your robed asses out of the way and let justice do its job.

Because this isn't about God.

 It's about liability. It's about secrecy.

 It’s about making sure the only person who burns for this shit is the victim—again.

And you know what, folks?

 You can’t wrap child abuse in incense and expect it to smell like salvation.

 It still stinks like sin.