⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 This is a satirical commentary written in the spirit of the late George Carlin: blunt, irreverent, and laser-focused on hypocrisy in public policy and political discourse. It targets systems, not individuals, and is protected under the First Amendment as criticism of public figures, laws, and legislation.

Any resemblance to sincerity is purely coincidental.

 No religions were harmed in the making of this rant—unless they were already running into traffic on their own.

 If you’re more offended by the language than the legislation?

 Congratulations: you’re exactly who this was written for.

🎤 “The Antisemitism Awareness Act: A Rant in Two Hypocrisies”

In the raging, righteous voice of George Carlin

So now Congress wants to protect Jews.

 Oh yeah? Now?

 After literal centuries of ignoring pogroms, gas chambers, bomb threats, and conspiracy theories about lasers from space?

Now they care—

 but only if they can weaponize it.

Because make no mistake:

 This bill isn’t about protecting Jews.

 It’s about protecting power.

👈 First, Let’s Talk About the Right

 These folks have been accidentally quoting Mein Kampf at brunch for years.

They love Israel, sure—

 but only because they need it to fulfill some revelation death cult prophecy about Jesus coming back and murdering everyone who doesn't convert.

And now they're saying:

“Hey, let’s make sure no one calls us antisemitic just because we keep repeating that the Jews killed Christ.”

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

That’s textbook antisemitism straight from the Gospel According to Torches and Pitchforks!

But it’s okay, they say.

 It’s “religious liberty.”

Just theological.

Because apparently, you can blame a whole people for deicide as long as it’s in your Sunday sermon between tithes and potluck.

👉 Now Let’s Look at the Left

 The bill also says that if you criticize Israel,

 you might be breaking federal law.

Because the IHRA definition—the one they want to codify—says that if you “deny Jewish people their right to self-determination,”

 you’re antisemitic.

Well what the hell does that mean?

• If you say Netanyahu’s government is violent? Antisemitic.
• If you oppose illegal settlements? Antisemitic.
• If you protest a war that kills thousands of civilians? Antisemitic.

Meanwhile, actual Jews—you know, the ones protesting with you—

 they get labeled as “self-hating” because they don’t support every missile, checkpoint, or far-right coalition running the Knesset.

So now the left can’t speak.

 The right can say whatever the hell they want.

 And somehow they both think they’re defending Jews.

💣 And What Do Jews Get?

 Used.

 Gaslit.

 Tokenized.

 Sacrificed like a goddamn procedural chess piece in the culture war.

When white nationalists show up with tiki torches chanting “Jews will not replace us,”

 do they get federal hearings?

No.

 They get cabinet appointments.

But criticize a government—a government—that happens to be Jewish-majority?

Suddenly it’s Nuremberg all over again.

🧨 Final Thought?

 This bill is a Rorschach test for bullshit.

• On the right, it’s “Freedom of religion means freedom to hate.”
• On the left, it’s “Critique is oppression.”

And in the middle?

The truth:

You don’t protect Jews by punishing speech.

 You protect Jews by punishing Nazis.

 And last I checked, Congress hasn’t done a damn thing about those f*ers.**

But hey.

Maybe if the Proud Boys start calling themselves “The Gospel of Jesus Christ Security Forces,”

 they’ll get a carve-out too.