⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because It’s Either This or Bail Money):

This is a satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, the State of Texas, or anyone with a functioning science education. May contain rage, profanity, and harsh truths. If your feelings are hurt, go hug a solar panel.

TEXAS PASSES A BILL DEMANDING THE SUN WORK OVERTIME

Let’s just say it, folks: Texas has officially declared war on reality.

 They passed a bill—SB 1285—that requires solar power plants to provide electricity at night.

Yes.

At. Night.

Because nothing screams “legislative genius” like looking at a solar panel and saying, “Why aren’t you working, you lazy commie mirror?”

This is the kind of logic that comes from eating lead paint chips and calling it trail mix.

 These people couldn’t pass a fifth-grade science quiz if the answers were tattooed on a cow’s ass.

But wait, it gets better!

 They’ve got a whole trilogy of stupid, and each one is dumber than the last.

🎬 SB 388: The Fossil Fuel Participation Trophy Act

This one says that for every new megawatt of renewable power, the state has to build a matching megawatt of natural gas.

Because Texas heard “diversify your energy portfolio” and thought it meant double your pollution.

That’s like saying:

“For every salad you eat, you have to shotgun a bacon cheeseburger. Gotta keep it balanced!”

This isn’t policy.

 This is a fossil fuel tantrum dressed up in a cowboy hat.

🧱 SB 819: Big Government, But Only for Sunshine

Then there’s SB 819, which says landowners can’t lease their property to wind or solar companies without jumping through hoops set by the state.

Now remember, these are the same politicians who scream “PROPERTY RIGHTS!” anytime someone mentions zoning, wildlife protection, or affordable housing.

But let a rancher try to slap a wind turbine on his field?

“Not without a permission slip, bucko.”

Because nothing says small government like regulating what you can do with your own dirt.

So let’s put it all together:

 Texas is demanding that solar panels work without sunlight, that clean energy only grows if pollution grows with it, and that landowners only have freedom when oil execs say so.

This isn’t a policy platform.

 It’s a suicide note written in crude oil and chicken scratch.

These people aren’t planning for the future.

 They’re trying to drag us backward, kicking and screaming into the smog-choked glory days of 1952.

 Only now, instead of cigarettes and leaded gas, it’s rage farming and grid failures.

And you know who’s paying the price?

You.

 Your power bill.

 Your blackout risk.

 Your kids who’ll inherit a planet hot enough to grill brisket on the sidewalk.

So yeah—Texas has declared war on renewable energy.

 And guess what?

The sun doesn’t negotiate.