🔥 SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

 The following rant is a satirical performance from a dead man who saw this shit coming decades ago. It’s legally protected, politically incorrect, and emotionally combustible. Side effects may include outrage, reflection, and the overwhelming urge to vote like the planet depends on it. Because it fucking does.

So let me get this straight.

Texas floods. I mean really floods—biblical-level, forty-days-and-forty-nights, Moses-on-a-jet-ski kind of floods. Kids dead. Families wiped out. Entire neighborhoods turned into beachfront property for people who don’t remember buying a boat. And what’s the response from our brave, bold leaders?

“We didn’t know it was coming!”

Oh really? You mean the National Weather Service didn’t tell you? The same NWS that’s been bleeding staff like a hemophiliac in a knife fight? The same agency you people defunded, demoralized, and dismantled because weather doesn’t pay campaign donors? The same meteorologists who are stuck predicting tornadoes with Windows 95 and a fucking barometer from 1908?

You pulled their satellites, slashed their budgets, and laid off experts so fast you could've used them to staff an Amazon warehouse. And now, when Mother Nature gives Texas a colonoscopy, you want to act surprised?

But wait! It gets better. You wanna blame somebody?

How about Jasmine Crockett. That’s right—blame the Black woman from a district that wasn’t even flooded. Yeah, that makes sense. You know why they picked her? Because she’s not the problem, and that’s how scapegoating works in this country! It’s the same logic that says if your house is on fire, blame the neighbor’s mailbox.

Meanwhile, your real villain of the week is Kandiss Taylor, the Georgia crackpot who thinks weather is fake. Yeah, she actually said “Fake weather. Real damage.” Like the floods were made by George Soros and a fog machine. These people don’t need public office—they need a padded room and a coloring book.

And Marjorie Taylor Greene? Oh, sweet moldy cheese on a saltine, she’s in there screaming about HAARP, cloud seeding, and “weather manipulation laws.” That’s right—MTG wants to make weather crimes a thing. I guess next time there’s a hurricane, we can arrest the clouds and try the sun in federal court.

But let’s not forget Chip Roy—who, to his credit, actually gave a damn for five whole minutes. Applauded the rescue crews, called it a tragedy, probably cried into his cowboy hat. And that’s nice. That’s human. But don’t let the man off the hook just yet—he also voted to cut the funding that crippled the very system he’s now demanding answers from. That’s like beating the fire department with a tire iron and then complaining they didn’t save your garage.

Here’s the truth, folks: this wasn’t just a natural disaster. This was a manufactured catastrophe—built on neglect, denial, and the unholy trinity of ignorance, arrogance, and assholery. And now? Kids are dead. Families are grieving. And the people who caused this are on social media playing “Blame the Democrats” while they shovel federal disaster funds into the pockets of their golf buddies.

We’ve reached a point in American politics where the only thing more dangerous than the weather is the dumbasses trying to regulate it.

You want to know what’s really fake?

Compassion from a party that doesn’t believe in science.

Responsibility from leaders who think a storm is a hoax.

And patriotism from people who'd let the country drown just to prove a point.

Texas didn’t get hit by one storm.

It got hit by two.

One made of rain.

The other made of Republicans.

And only one of them’s still here.