⚠️ Disclaimer: This is satire, people. If you find yourself nodding along too hard, congratulations—you’re either mad as hell or finally paying attention. Either way, strap in. George is taking the mic.

You ever notice how every time the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals rules on something, it's like a raccoon got into your legal library and rewrote the Constitution with a Sharpie? These are the folks who treat civil rights like a seasonal option. Like, maybe you get healthcare, maybe your uterus stays in your body, maybe a cop doesn’t arrest you for having brown skin and a pulse. Roll the dice, baby!

And don’t even get me started on Texas district courts. Especially that pin-up for Christian dominionist fan fiction, Matthew Kacsmaryk—yeah, that guy. He’s the walking embodiment of “I learned the law from a Chick tract.” He blocked abortion pills, LGBTQ+ protections, and once tried to ban reason itself, I think. He treats precedent like it’s an optional dessert menu. And the Supreme Court—you know, the one with its own collection of fascist fanboys—even they sometimes have to swat these clowns down like a meth-fueled mosquito. That’s how you know it's bad: when this Supreme Court looks at you and says, “Whoa, take it easy, Torquemada.”

But now, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, in a twist so unexpected it’s practically biblical—the Fifth Circuit got something RIGHT. I know! I had to read it twice myself. Thought I was hallucinating. Must’ve been the asbestos in the American Dream.

So here's what went down. While the House of Misrepresentatives was busy deep-throating billionaires with the One Big Beautiful Bullshit Act, the Fifth Circuit handed down a late-night ruling that actually said—brace yourselves—Texas can’t just invent its own immigration policy. Holy founding documents, Batman!

See, Texas passed this little bedtime horror story called SB4. It said cops could arrest anyone they suspected of crossing the border illegally. No warrant, no due process, no nada. Basically: “You look like you belong somewhere else? Jail.” That’s the whole law. Brown skin? Spanish accent? Wrong hat? Six months in county and a free ride to a port of entry.

But the Fifth Circuit said, “Hold up, Greg Abbott’s cosplay Border Patrol is cute and all, but immigration is the federal government’s job. Has been since, oh I don’t know, the 1800s.” The court actually cited 150 years of precedent, reminding everyone that a unified national immigration policy is a thing that exists. Apparently, someone found the Constitution in the break room under a stack of Chick-fil-A coupons.

This matters. A lot. Because if they’d let SB4 stand, every backwater sheriff in Texas would’ve had his own little ICE squad—armed, untrained, and unbothered by facts. We’d have people arrested for jogging too close to the border. Or ordering a taco in Spanish. And don't think it would’ve stopped there—next thing you know, Wyoming decides to deport Californians for driving electric cars.

But now? SB4’s in legal limbo, where it belongs. And not because someone in Texas had a sudden attack of conscience, oh no. It’s because the courts—for once—acted like courts. Not rubber stamps. Not megaphones for fascism. Actual, honest-to-God judicial reasoning.

So here’s to the Fifth Circuit—for accidentally stumbling onto the right side of history while trying to tie its shoes. And here’s to the organizations who kept fighting even after the feds dropped the ball, because let’s be real: when the Trump administration kissed this lawsuit goodbye, it wasn’t just negligence—it was malice wrapped in apathy wearing a red tie.

They’ll try again. You know they will. This isn’t the end of the line—it’s just a pothole in the authoritarian freeway. But for one shining moment, the system didn’t eat itself alive. The Constitution survived another swipe from the woodchipper.

And that? That’s something worth shouting about. Even if I still don’t trust those bastards to tie their own robes without tripping.