⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (BECAUSE FREE SPEECH ISN’T A LIFE JACKET):

 This is a satirical rant in the voice of George Carlin. The commentary herein is not endorsed by Tesla, the Carlin estate, or anyone who still believes Elon Musk is Iron Man without the charisma. May contain truths, foul language, and full-frontal logic. If you’re offended, call your congressman. If you’re laughing, pour another cup and keep reading.

TESLA’S SINKING SHIP, AND THE ORANGE ICEBERG IT RODE IN ON

 Let’s start with the numbers, baby.

Sales down 62% in the U.K.

Down 67% in France.

Down 81% in Sweden.

 Even in China—land of EV growth—Tesla’s taking body shots.

And what’s Elon doing about it?

He’s in Washington.

 Schmoozing with Trump, that economic black hole in a golf visor.

 Clapping along while the man who bankrupted casinos talks about trade deals and “business acumen” like he didn’t once try to sell steaks at Sharper Image.

You know the old saying:

A rising tide lifts all boats.

 But what sinks them all?

Donald. Fucking. Trump.

He’s the orange iceberg, and Elon sailed the Tesla Titanic right into him on purpose.

This guy—Elon—used to be the tech messiah.

 Electric cars. Rockets. Brain chips.

 Then he picks up a Twitter account and a weird fixation on “declining birthrates,” and suddenly he's quoting Tucker Carlson and posting memes that look like they were drawn by your uncle Carl after three Schlitz tallboys and a Glenn Beck marathon.

And now?

 He’s standing in the wreckage of his brand, holding a busted Cybertruck door, shouting “free speech!” while the sales figures are bailing on him like rats on meth.

Meanwhile, Trump’s over here turning the global economy into a reality show with indictments.

 Everything he touches dies.

 It’s like economic necromancy.

 Except instead of raising the dead, he just kills viable industries through sheer arrogance and incompetence.

Elon thought he was riding a wave of economic nationalism.

 Turns out it was a sewer backup from a busted MAGA pipeline.

So now Tesla, once the darling of the global auto industry, is the drunk guy at the bar yelling about “woke windshield wipers.”

 Investors are nervous. Buyers are fleeing.

 And Elon?

 He’s still clinging to Trump’s coattails, which are mostly made of spray tan residue and unpaid legal bills.

Let me say it plain:

You tie your rocket to a sinking balloon, don’t be surprised when you crash into the ocean.

 That’s not innovation. That’s gravity with an ego.

So yeah—a rising tide lifts all boats.

 But Trump? Trump is the reverse tide.

 He’s what happens when you replace water with narcissism and shove it through a golf course filter.

And Elon?

 You had the boat, man.

 You had the ocean.

 But you handed the wheel to a guy who thinks wind is a hoax and tariffs are foreplay.

Enjoy the plunge.