🎤 “Airline Announcements: Still Boring, Still Bullsh*t”

 An homage to George Carlin’s original, with turbulence included

You remember George’s bit. The one where he pointed out that airline announcements are filled with useless phrases like:

“We’re beginning our initial descent…”

INITIAL descent.

 As opposed to what—a spontaneous nosedive into the Hudson?!

And the classic:

“We’re going to begin boarding by zones…”

By zones!

 Because apparently, we’re all livestock in a psychological experiment to see who loses their humanity first when Group 7 gets called before Group 5.

Nothing’s changed.

 Not a goddamn thing.

We still get:

“If you require additional time or assistance…”

Which means:

“If you slow down this line, we will trample you.”

And:

“Please make sure your seat back and tray table are in the upright and locked position.”

Because clearly, a three-inch tilt on a piece of plastic will kill us all in the event of a fiery crash.

✈️ And now… please enjoy our new routine:

 🎤 “Tech Announcements: Welcome to the Cloud of Confusion”

 A George Carlin-style rant for the age of updates, uploads, and unwanted upgrades

Welcome to the Internet, folks.

Please fasten your attention span and make sure all your expectations are placed securely in the overhead compartment—because you’re not getting what you asked for.

“We’ve updated our Terms of Service.”

Translation:

We now own your face, your voice, your unborn children, and that weird TikTok you liked at 2am.

“This app would like to track your activity across other apps.”

Why?

Because we love you. And by ‘love,’ we mean we’re watching you like a jealous ex with a satellite.

“Oops! Something went wrong.”

No it didn’t.

You just don’t want to tell me what broke.

 Because you outsourced the code to a caffeine-addled intern who thinks “debugging” means sacrificing a goat on Stack Overflow.

“Your file has been saved to the cloud.”

Which cloud?

 Where is it?

 Can I see it?

NOPE.

You get a little spinning wheel and a prayer to the Server Gods of Silicon Valley.

“Your account has been flagged for suspicious activity.”

Yeah, I tried logging in from a different couch.

But go ahead, lock me out, make me reset my password, verify via text, email, DNA swab, and which Power Ranger I had a crush on in third grade.

“We’ve implemented AI moderation to enhance your experience.”

Which means?

You’re about to get banned for typing ‘trans rights’ while a Nazi meme gets 200,000 likes.

But don’t worry—it’s “machine learning.”

Which is code for:

“We taught a robot to be racist using the internet.”

“We’re improving your user experience.”

Really?

Then why is the “X” to close the ad invisible, my battery dies at 42%, and I can’t turn off the sound without muting my entire f**ing phone*?

That’s not a better experience.

 That’s a hostage situation with a touchscreen.

“Upgrade to Premium to remove ads.”

Let me get this straight.

I already gave you:

• My time
• My data
• My location
• My browsing history
• My blood type from that wellness app I downloaded once

And now you want $12.99/month to stop screaming about butt cream and crypto scams in between every video?

Go f* yourself with your freemium funnel.**

🧨 Final Thought?

 Tech companies sound exactly like airlines now:

• They lie politely.
• They oversell everything.
• They always blame the user when something breaks.

But instead of losing your luggage, now you’re losing your privacy.

And instead of flying you to Cleveland, they fly you into a web of ads, pop-ups, terms of service, and surveillance wrapped in a friendly font.

Welcome aboard.

Now please enjoy your complimentary nonsense.