🎤 "Stuff 2.0: Now With 80 Terabytes of Nothing"

 In the style of George F**ing Carlin*

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately?

Stuff.

You remember stuff. We used to own it.

Books. Records. Junk. Crap. Trophies. Clothes. Broken blenders we were "gonna fix one day."

But now?

We don’t own stuff anymore.

 Now we subscribe to it.

We rent our music.

 We stream our TV.

 We store our files in invisible boxes floating in the goddamn sky.

Welcome to the Cloud.

A magical place where all your important documents, cat photos, unfinished novels, porn folders, failed business ideas, grocery lists, and seven copies of the same PowerPoint presentation go to die.

📱 Your Phone Is Your House Now

 We used to have homes for our stuff.

 Then we had storage units for the stuff that wouldn’t fit in our homes.

 Now?

Our phone is our house.

Everything’s in there:

• Your friends (contacts you haven’t called since 2017)
• Your memories (1,200 blurry photos of food you didn’t finish)
• Your identity (Face ID, fingerprint, social security number... all in a box with no headphone jack)

And if you lose your phone?

Boom. You’re homeless.

Standing in public like a confused caveman going,

“How do I get anywhere? Who am I? Where’s my playlist??”

💾 We Don’t Throw Anything Out—We Just Bury It Digitally

 You know how you used to clean your house?

Now we “clean out” our inbox.

 You ever done that? Spent four hours deleting emails one by one like you're fighting off zombies?

“Unsubscribe. Delete. Block. What the hell is ‘newsletter from 2012’ doing here?!”

And don’t get me started on screenshots.

Why do we save every screenshot like it’s a f***ing crime scene photo?

“Oh yeah, that’s the tweet from four years ago where someone said I was funny. Better save that for evidence.”

🗑️ Digital Clutter Is Still Clutter, Baby

 You think just because you can’t trip over it, it’s not clutter?

Oh no.

Digital clutter is worse—because at least you know when your garage is full of broken Christmas decorations.

But the cloud?

 That’s an infinite closet where your crap goes to multiply.

Every Google Drive is like the junk drawer of the internet:

• A resume from 2009
• A recipe you never made
• A folder called “Taxes” with nothing inside but hope

🤖 The Internet of Sh*t

 We got smart fridges now. Smart vacuums. Smart toilets.

 You know what they all do?

Collect your stuff.

Every beep, every flush, every snack becomes data.

“Oh, I see you like ice cream at 2AM. Would you like 17 ads for lactose-free comfort food and adult diapers?”

We’re not owning stuff anymore. Our stuff owns us.

Your vacuum has Wi-Fi.

 Your TV’s watching you.

 And Alexa? Alexa knows.

🧨 Final Thought?

 We used to have too much stuff.

 Now we have invisible stuff that stalks us.

We used to hoard things in boxes.

 Now we hoard information we’ll never use in folders we’ll never find, on platforms we’ll never remember, behind passwords we already forgot.

And we still say:

“Man, I should clean up my files.”

Yeah, sure. Right after we clean the garage, organize the junk drawer, and figure out what the hell a .webp file is.