Note: Since George often did stage versions and also narrative versions (see his books), I figured I'd give it a whirl. Stage first - I hope you can laugh at the tragedy - and then narrative. Then a little more.

I may have gone overboard.

Buckle up. This one's long.

- Adam

🎤 “So, They’re Banning Books Again, Huh?”

 A George Carlin Rant

You know what I love about America?

 We’ve got the biggest military budget on Earth,  three different kinds of Cheez Whiz,  and more guns than people...

 but God forbid a teenager reads a book where someone touches a boob.

Seriously.

 We’ve got states banning books for having the word “vagina” in them,  while the number one cause of death for kids in America is gunfire.

 But no, it’s not the AR-15s that are the problem—it’s Toni Morrison.

“Oh, George, we’re just trying to protect the children!”

Really? Protect them from what exactly?

 Reality?

 Empathy?

 A basic understanding of how the human body works?

You wanna protect kids?

 Try funding schools.

 Feed them.

 Let them read books written after the invention of the Internet.

 And stop pretending Danielle Steel is more dangerous than fentanyl.

📚 Let’s Talk About the Books

 You know what’s on the chopping block lately?

• Jodi Picoult – too political.
• George M. Johnson – too queer.
• *Maia Kobabe’s Gender Queer – graphic memoir. Memoir! As in, a real person’s life.
• Elana K. Arnold – feminism with teeth, can’t have that.
• Sarah J. Maas – that’s right, even the ACOTAR series is getting flack for being “too steamy.”

Hey, newsflash: teenage girls already know about steam.

 The only people pretending otherwise are middle-aged politicians who think foreplay is a handshake and two Advil.

You ever read Twilight?

Fifty Shades?

Those weren’t banned.

 Because they’re written for straight white women about straight white men doing kinky shit with tax shelters.

 That’s not a threat.

 That’s a franchise.

🌈 What They’re Really Afraid Of

 You want the truth?

They’re not banning pornography.

 They’re banning perspective.

• If you’re queer
• If you’re not white
• If you’re poor, angry, complicated, or different

...then your story is inconvenient.

 It makes people uncomfortable.

 And that’s dangerous in a country where comfort is sold as freedom.

These bans aren’t about protecting kids.

 They’re about preserving a narrative where only certain people get to be fully human.

🧠 And Let’s Not Forget the Hypocrisy

 The same people screaming about drag queens corrupting youth are the ones:

• Giving tax breaks to churches that cover up sexual abuse
• Electing Senators who text teenagers
• And writing laws so vague, even Shakespeare would need a lawyer to publish Othello.

They ban All Boys Aren’t Blue, but Romeo and Juliet is just “a classic.”

 You know, the play where two horny 13-year-olds get married and then kill themselves.

 Totally healthy.

They’ll scream about a page in Gender Queer,  but “The Bible”?

 Blood, incest, genocide, infanticide—and that’s just Genesis.

But it’s “holy,” so it gets a pass.

 Because context only matters when it’s your context.

🧨 Final Thought?

 Here’s the deal:

• If a book makes you uncomfortable, read it again.
• If a book makes your kid ask questions, answer them.
• And if your worldview can’t survive a novel...
•  then maybe the book isn’t the problem.

They’re not banning porn.

 They’re banning truth.

 They’re banning art.

 They’re banning hope written in someone else’s handwriting.

And if that doesn’t piss you off,  you might already be an honorary school board member.

"So, They’re Banning Books Again, Huh?"

You know, I’ve been dead for a while now, but even from six feet under, I can smell the stench of stupidity wafting up from the surface. Seems like every few decades, the moral crusaders dust off their pitchforks and torches, aiming them squarely at... books. Yeah, books. Those bound collections of paper with words that make you think, feel, and sometimes squirm a little.

Now, I hear they're going after Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes. A novel that delves into the aftermath of a school shooting, exploring the complexities of bullying, isolation, and violence. But apparently, a single page mentioning date rape is too much for the delicate sensibilities of some school boards. So, let's just ignore the entire narrative and focus on that one page. Makes perfect sense, right?

And then there's George M. Johnson's All Boys Aren't Blue. A memoir about growing up Black and queer in America. It's been yanked from shelves for being "sexually explicit." Funny, I don't recall Catcher in the Rye being labeled pornographic, despite its liberal use of profanity and teenage angst. But I guess when the protagonist is Black and queer, the rules change.

Let's not forget about Elana K. Arnold's Damsel and Red Hood. These young adult novels tackle themes of empowerment and challenging patriarchal norms. But in some states, they're being labeled as "promoting gender fluidity." Heaven forbid young readers encounter stories that encourage them to question outdated gender roles.

And the list goes on: The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, Looking for Alaska by John Green. All facing bans for daring to address topics like racism, sexism, and sexuality. It's almost as if the goal is to create a generation of readers who are blissfully ignorant of the complexities of the world around them.

But here's the kicker: these bans are often justified under the guise of protecting children. Protecting them from what? Reality? Empathy? Critical thinking? If a book makes you uncomfortable, maybe that's a sign you should read it, not ban it.

So, to all the self-appointed guardians of morality out there: if you're so afraid of the power of words, maybe the problem isn't the books. Maybe the problem is you.

Legal Disclaimer:

The above is a satirical commentary inspired by the style of the late George Carlin. It is intended for entertainment and educational purposes, protected under the First Amendment.

📚 The Official 2025 Approved Book List™

 Brought to you by the Department of Approved Feelings and Nonthreatening Thoughts

📖 Historical Fiction

• George Washington: He Never Lied, Cheated, or Owned Slaves – Revised for Grades 3-12
• The Civil War: A Fun Regional Disagreement! – Now with 100% less slavery
• Manifest Destiny: God’s Favorite Road Trip

💒 Family Values 

• The Adventures of Hetero Harry and Traditional Tammy – a heartwarming tale of two people who waited until marriage and never questioned a damn thing
• No Mommy, No Daddy, Just Jesus – Includes a pullout chart of family structures that don’t count
• Mommy Drinks Wine But Loves Me Anyway – Faith-Based Edition

🧠 Science and Health (Patriot Edition) 

• The Earth is Flat, But Freedom is Forever – Geography reimagined
• Where Did the Dinosaurs Go? – Answer: To Hell, probably
• Sex Ed For Abstinent Children – Now with updated chapter: “What’s a Condom?”

👮 Literature 

• The Bible: The Only Book You’ll Ever Need – Literally
• The Bible: Junior Edition – Redacted for kindergarten use
• The Bible: Women’s Edition – Smaller. Pinker. Fewer opinions.

🚫 Books That Have Been Removed For Your Protection 

• Anything by Toni Morrison
• Books with “queer,” “trans,” or “menstruation” in the title
• Anything with a dragon that doesn’t explicitly represent Christ
• Books where the parents get divorced and it doesn’t destroy society
• Stories featuring empathy, nuance, or grey areas

🧃 Bonus Materials for Kids! 

• Coloring Book: Color the Sinners! Burn the Books!
• Activity Guide: Find the Marxist in Your School Library!
• Sticker Pack: Includes “This Book Made Me Uncomfortable” labels for easy reporting!

REMEMBER, KIDS:

Reading is Fundamental— but only if it doesn’t challenge your fundamentals.

And always ask your local Thought Monitor™

 before turning a page.

🎤 They Don’t Silence You. They Bury You.

 A George Carlin Essay

They’ve got a new trick, these control freaks. They’ve realized they don’t have to silence you anymore. That’s messy. That’s obvious. That gets attention. Instead, they just bury you under rules—vague, shifting, beautifully hypocritical rules. And they say they’re protecting freedom while they’re doing it. Protecting freedom by banning books, gutting speech, and deporting people who disagree. That’s like locking your neighbor in the basement and saying you’re protecting the value of their real estate.

It starts small, like it always does. A school board meeting. A concerned parent. Someone finds a passage in a young adult novel with a sex scene—fade to black, nothing graphic—and suddenly that book’s labeled “pornography.” Not erotica. Not even romance. Pornography. They pull it from the library, say it violates “community standards,” and pat themselves on the back for a job well done. Then they move on to the next target, because the real thrill isn’t in the censorship—it’s in the hunt.

Next, they come for the comics. You made a joke ten years ago on a podcast with a busted mic and three stoned roommates in the audience? Sorry, pal. You’re “undermining traditional values.” Good luck booking that next gig. Maybe you’re an actor. You donated to the wrong cause? Retweeted the wrong article? Your agent drops you. Your name disappears from the call sheets. Not because you broke a law. Not because you said something dangerous. Because you said something they didn’t like. And with the right law, the right executive order, the right "civility policy," that’s all it takes.

If you’re not a citizen, the gloves come off completely. They don’t even pretend to play fair. Ever hear of Section 212 of the Immigration and Nationality Act? Of course not. That’s the point. It’s an old law, dusty and dull, but it’s got language in it that says any non-citizen who “endorses or espouses views contrary to the interests of the United States” can be denied entry or deported. “Contrary to the interests.” That’s the whole standard. Vague as fog, sharp as a scalpel. Protest the wrong war? You’re out. Write the wrong op-ed? Out. Get filmed chanting too loud at a rally? Pack your bags. That’s the system working as designed.

And they dress it up. They always do. “We’re not punishing speech,” they say. “We’re enforcing standards.” “We’re ensuring safety.” “We’re preserving decency.” But it always boils down to the same thing: you said something we didn’t like. And when a government—any government—decides its power includes the authority to punish disapproval, you are no longer free. You’re compliant. And compliance is not freedom. It’s domestication.

Here’s the truth: they don’t want to silence you. Silencing makes martyrs. What they want is to drown you. Make it so that everything you’ve ever said can be used against you. Make it so that every word needs a lawyer. So that artists self-censor, writers hold back, comedians double-think, and immigrants keep their heads down. So that the loudest voices left are the most obedient.

They don’t silence you. They bury you. And they make damn sure you help dig the hole.