(When you’re too antisemitic for Shakespeare class but not too antisemitic for the White House)

 ⚠️ SATIRE WARNING ⚠️

 The following rant contains sharp language, historical accuracy, religious slurs used by the president, and more hypocrisy than a televangelist’s bank statement. If you’re offended by the truth, close your eyes and pretend it’s still 1985. Everyone else, grab your popcorn and your barf bag—we’re going in.

So now we’re here. Again.

Again.

Another week, another antisemitic screed from the tangerine-tinted tycoon of grievance.

And this time? Oh baby, he said the quiet part out loud.

"Shylocks."

At a rally. On a mic. To an actual crowd of sentient beings who clapped when he dropped one of the oldest, ugliest, most rancid antisemitic slurs in the English language.

And then, when someone with a brain said, “Hey, you know that’s a slur, right?”—he blinks like a malfunctioning Furby and goes:

“I’ve never heard that.” Never heard that. Never heard that.

Listen, unless you were homeschooled by a rock, The Merchant of Venice was assigned reading somewhere between algebra and puberty. And even if you only skimmed it—even if you paid some sweaty kid with Adderall to take the test for you—you probably still remember the part where Shylock wants a literal pound of flesh. It’s the only quote most ninth-graders remember after Hamlet and fart jokes.

But somehow, this guy, this real estate mogul from New York with a billion-dollar debt to Deutsche Bank, has never heard that “Shylock” is a slur.

That’s like a guy running a brothel saying he’s never heard the word “madam.”

Let me put it another way: either he’s antisemitic, or he’s the most ignorant motherfucker ever to crawl out of a prep school diploma mill wearing someone else’s test answers and a name tag that says “Daddy’s Tax Write-off.”

Pick one.

You don’t get both ignorance and power without consequences.

But you know it doesn’t stop there. It never does.

This is the same guy who told a room full of Jewish Republicans: “I’m a negotiator like you folks.”

Because apparently the only thing separating Jews from used car salesmen is a yarmulke and a calculator.

This is the guy who tweeted an image of Hillary Clinton over a pile of money with a six-pointed star and then said, “Oh no, no, it’s a sheriff’s badge.”

Sure. And the swastika was originally a windmill. We’ve heard this shit before.

He’s the one who told Jewish voters that if they vote for Democrats, they “hate Israel,” or “hate their own religion.”

Because your political beliefs, apparently, are only valid if they line up with his marketing strategy.

And don’t forget, he told Chuck Schumer he’s “not Jewish anymore” because he criticized Netanyahu. Called him a Palestinian.

Yeah, calling a Jew a Palestinian as an insult—now that’s some next-level gaslighting wrapped in hate speech dipped in ethnic slur fondue.

That’s not just offensive, it’s weaponized ignorance. That’s the kind of thing that turns the Southern Poverty Law Center into a full-time employer.

And who could forget the Mar-a-Lago Holocaust Revival Hour—when he sat down for dinner with Nick Fuentes, full-blown white supremacist and Holocaust denier, and Kanye “Death Con 3 on Jewish People” West.

He said he didn’t know who Fuentes was. Of course he didn’t. He never knows.

The man’s like a haunted Etch-a-Sketch—shake him hard enough and every atrocity just vanishes.

And yet, through all of it, he still positions himself as the greatest friend the Jewish people have ever had.

The big orange Moses, come down from Mar-a-Sinai with a combo platter of tax cuts and MAGA hats.

He thinks planting the embassy in Jerusalem and pretending to love Bibi makes him the Messiah.

But let’s get real: he doesn’t love the Jewish people—he loves corrupt strongmen who remind him of himself.

He loves Bibi because Bibi is just Trump with Hebrew subtitles—a guy who dodges court dates like raindrops and keeps a permanent war running so no one checks the balance sheet.

You remember that, right? Trump actually floated the idea that maybe Bibi’s legal problems were all part of a “witch hunt.”

He said Israel was going after him like America did to Trump.

And then, just to top it off, he mused about possibly pardoning Bibi if Israel ever decided to ship him over here for trial.

That’s not foreign policy. That’s a goddamn mob movie.

It’s The Godfather Part Orange. And every line ends with “tremendous, believe me.”

This has never been about protecting Jews.

It’s about manipulating them.

It’s about creating just enough confusion, just enough loyalty theater, just enough “I moved the embassy for you!” bullshit to keep American Jews from standing up and calling this what it is: a toxic stew of racism, nationalism, and authoritarian grift.

He’s not courting Jewish voters—he’s gaslighting them.

Trying to split them down the middle, wedge them between identity and ideology, so they don’t notice that he’s stealing, lying, burning the Constitution like a used business card—and doing it all in their name.

And here’s the real kicker:

When Trump says he’s the “best president Jews have ever had”?

That’s not praise.

That’s a threat.

Because if this is the best you’ve ever had— what the hell do you think he’ll do to you when you say no?