DISCLAIMER:

 The following rant is brought to you by the fine folks at Common Sense, Critical Thinking, and that tiny voice in your head screaming “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!” If you’re allergic to sarcasm, rage, or hard truths wrapped in barbed wire, please consult your nearest adult—or Justice Alito—for emotional support.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, and whatever's still trying to spawn in the Snake River, gather ‘round and watch as the Great Golden Calf of Crapulence flushes another piece of the future straight down the dammed drain.

Because nothing says “America First” quite like torching a billion-dollar bipartisan, intergovernmental, eco-cultural pact in favor of…well, nothing. Nada. Zilch. Unless you count the right-wing wet dream of watching salmon die so billionaires can keep shipping lawn chairs on subsidized barges and brag about their hydro bills.

Yes, our Moist and Malevolent Monarch, President Donald “Dam the Facts” Trump, has yanked the federal government out of the single most ambitious salmon restoration project in history—because God forbid something make sense and help Indigenous communities and protect a species that has been migrating up that river longer than humans have been drawing stick figures in caves.

Why? Oh, because it smelled too much like "radical environmentalism." You know, the terrifying ideology that believes fish should swim, water should flow, and tribes should not be bulldozed by bulldozers painted red, white, and Ayn Rand.

Let’s break this one down in language simple enough for a Fox News chyron:

The Biden-era Resilient Columbia Basin Agreement wasn’t removing dams. It wasn’t draining lakes. It wasn’t outlawing Republican bass boats. It was a STUDY. A PLAN. An actual goddamn blueprint that said, “Hey, what if we tried NOT killing everything?” And Trump lit it on fire like it was a copy of the Constitution signed in Spanish.

And the result? Tribes betrayed. Scientists gutted. Infrastructure modernization nuked from orbit. A billion bucks in limbo. And the salmon? Still trying to body-check their way through a concrete blender just to get home and fuck once before dying.

But don’t worry! FOTUS swears this was about saving low-cost energy and shipping lanes. Oh yes, because you know what’s more sacred than a 10,000-year-old species and tribal sovereignty? Barges full of Walmart patio sets and the almighty kilowatt-hour.

Here’s a thought: if your civilization collapses because you can’t kill fish fast enough to make toast in the morning, maybe you don’t deserve civilization.

This administration treats “environmentalism” like it’s a communist conspiracy invented by Greta Thunberg and mermaids. But here's the catch, Donnie: you can’t gaslight an ecosystem. You can’t bully the Columbia River. You can’t bribe the salmon into swimming backward through a dam because “it’s good for business.”

You killed a legacy project that took years of collaboration, science, tribal leadership, and hope—and you did it with a fucking Sharpie on a memo scribbled like a kindergartener just found out the crayon box only had blue.

You pulled out of the Columbia Basin like a deadbeat dad denying paternity. And the rest of us? We’re the ones cleaning up the mess.

COMING SOON TO A RIVER NEAR YOU:

 A scenic plaque that reads, “Here once lived the wild salmon. They were delicious, majestic, and inconvenient to the fossil fuel lobby.”

RIP, fish. You deserved better than being collateral damage in a pissing contest between reality and fascism.