⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 This is a satirical roast, performed in the unmistakable style of the late George Carlin—raging, raw, and immune to lawsuits from people with podcast sponsorships for pine needle supplements. It is not polite. It is not bipartisan. It is Carlin. If you’re clutching pearls, you probably funded a Super PAC called “Moms for Misinformation.”

🎤 “RFK Jr.: From Conspiracy Candidate to Trump’s Witch Doctor-in-Chief”

A George Carlin-Style Rant in Two Insane Acts

🎭 Act One: RFK Jr., the Candidate

(aka “The Kennedy Who Should’ve Stayed in the Group Chat”)

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ran for president like a man on a mission—a mission to take every half-baked internet theory you’ve ever heard in a sauna and turn it into policy.

He showed up with the Kennedy name and a Whole Foods soul, preaching about "toxins" and "chronic disease" while sounding like a consciousness coach who just discovered Google.

He wasn’t just anti-vax. He was anti-medical reality.

 He talked about autism like it was a government plot, the CDC like it was Satan’s HR department, and the COVID vaccine like it was brewed in a deep state cauldron with bat wings and Hillary Clinton’s hair.

But it wasn’t enough to be nuts. Oh no.

RFK Jr. had to be useful.

🤝 Act Two: RFK Jr., Secretary of HHS

(aka “Dr. Feelbad Meets President MAGA”)

So what happens next?

He gets handed the entire U.S. Department of Health and Human Services by Donald J. Trump like it’s a f***ing birthday gift.

“Here ya go, Bobby. Ruin this, too.”

Now the guy who thinks vaccine schedules are witchcraft and kale cures cancer is in charge of the nation’s health.

 You might as well give a wood chipper the nuclear codes.

And what’s the first thing he does?

• Slash research grants
• Defund public health programs
• Consider removing COVID vaccines from childhood schedules
• Lay off scientists like they’re seasonal mall Santas

All while promoting his pet project:

“Make America Healthy Again.”

Let me tell you what that means:

 Less science. More supplements.

 Less medicine. More marketing.

 Less care. More cruelty.

Oh—and don’t think we missed the payoff:

RFK got the job because he kissed the ring.

 He went from fringe candidate to frontline enabler, trading his last shred of integrity for a desk in Trump’s cabinet and a license to experiment on a nation of 330 million guinea pigs.

And while he's out there pretending to fight for “health freedom,” what’s he really doing?

• Deporting students who dare write about Gaza
• Enabling the shutdown of DEI programs
• Helping Trump gut public universities under the guise of “protecting Jews”
• Spouting eugenic-adjacent bullsh*t about autistic people not being able to love or work

He’s not protecting health. He’s policing purity.

This isn’t HHS. This is the f***ing Ministry of Wellness and Obedience.

And don’t forget the pièce de résistance:

The National Autism Registry.

Because nothing says “I care about neurodivergent people” like putting them on a federal list. You know—for science. And “environmental research.” And, oh yeah, tracking, targeting, and labeling, just in case the fascists forget where to start.

🧨 Final Thought?

RFK Jr. isn’t some revolutionary truth-teller.

 He’s not your misunderstood savior.

 He’s a cautionary tale in Birkenstocks—the final form of the crunchy-to-fascist pipeline.

He walked into the White House with a kombucha in one hand and a blacklist in the other, smiled, and said:

“Trust me—I’m here to heal you.”

And now we’re all on the f***ing patient table.