⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 100% More Broken Promises and Vaccine-Flavored Bullshit)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think gutting a vaccine advisory committee is “pro-science,” and Susan Collins’ disappointed sighs count as accountability, you might already be eligible for a brain transplant—assuming RFK doesn’t defund it first.

So let me get this straight.

RFK Jr.—America’s favorite shirtless falsetto of pseudoscience—stood in front of Congress, made big promises about “keeping the experts in place,” and the moment his confirmation ink dried, he fired every single one.

Seventeen vaccine experts. Gone.

Poof. Bye-bye. Thanks for playing.

You thought Project 2025 was scary? Try Project I Do What I Want, Because Collins Nodded Once and Wandered Away.

Now let’s check in with the Senate Republicans. Remember them? The brave defenders of truth, justice, and committee theater?

Senator John Kennedy—yes, the guy who pretends to be folksy but reads Ayn Rand in the tub—praised RFK’s commitment to public health. Called him a “straight shooter.” Said he’d only vote yes if RFK promised not to do exactly what he just did.

How’s that working out, John?

You get a nice warm bowl of nothing for your trouble, topped with some quietly evaporating credibility.

And then there’s Susan Collins. Oh, Susan.

The Queen of Disappointment.

She’s been “concerned” since 2003. She’s “troubled” by every authoritarian overreach. She tuts, she sighs, she frowns—and then she votes yes and goes back to crocheting the Constitution’s funeral shroud.

And now, with the entire CDC vaccine panel purged, RFK gets to rebuild it.

From scratch.

Like it’s a fucking Lego set.

And who do you think he’s gonna pick? Hm?

 Dr. Oz?

 The ghost of Jenny McCarthy’s career?

 A rotating panel of essential oil influencers and part-time chiropractors with YouTube channels?

We are seconds away from the official federal recommendation being: “Rub kale on it and pray.”

This isn’t just bad policy.

This is what it looks like when a country lets its public health be redesigned by someone whose idea of science is "I read it on a Telegram group run by a guy named 'QuantumWolf777.'"

It’s not even subtle. They don’t hide it. They don’t deny it. They brag about it.

And the GOP?

Dead. Silent.

You could hear a pin drop in the Senate—right before they trip over it and claim it was antifa.

Let me tell you something: this isn’t about oversight. This is about erasure. They’re not reforming a system—they’re replacing it with a cardboard cutout and hoping no one notices until your kid’s school has a polio outbreak.

They want fear, not facts. Compliance, not comprehension. Spectacle, not science.

And they’re gonna sell it to you wrapped in a flag and injected with the phrase “parental choice,” while your grandma dies of RSV because the CDC can’t recommend her a booster without a two-week Senate hearing.

So here’s your warning, folks:

When the guy who doesn’t believe vaccines are safe fires every vaccine advisor and gets applauded by the same party that calls everyone else un-American, you are not in a democracy.

You’re in a goddamn performance piece with a body count.

End scene.

And if you're still out here saying, “Give him a chance,” let me know how that essential oil works on tetanus.

The rest of us? We’ll be here—raging, writing, and keeping receipts.