⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 This is satirical commentary written in the spirit and style of George Carlin: unapologetic, profane, brutally honest, and aimed at institutions of public power. If you're clutching your pearls instead of questioning your institutions, maybe you deserve the next rant too.

🎤 "Pope Francis, JD Vance, and the Eternal Circle of Bullsh*t"

 A George Carlin-Style Rant on Papal Politics and Holy Hypocrisy

Well, first off—

 It’s a damn shame about Pope Francis.

Really.

 The guy tried, okay?

 I’ll give him that much.

 He almost dragged the Catholic Church, kicking and screaming, into the middle of the 20th century.

He said gay people might actually be human beings.

 He said maybe we should stop burning witches at the stake just because they can read.

 He talked about poverty like it was bad instead of a lifestyle choice for the faithful.

That’s a hell of a lot better than what we had before him—Popes who looked at modern society like it was a disease they might catch through eye contact.

But let’s not start carving sainthood statues yet, folks.

 Because Francis also said some real winner sht* too:

• Women priests? Nope.
• Abortion rights? Forget it.
• Covering up decades of sexual abuse? Welllll... complicated, isn't it?

You know, for a guy who was supposed to be "liberal," he still thought the uterus was Vatican property and that trauma could be healed with a few Hail Marys and a non-disclosure agreement.

And to top it all off?

His last major visitor before he croaked?

JD FING VANCE.***

Yeah.

The guy who thinks women should be legally required to stay married to abusers for the good of society.

The guy who changed his name, his politics, his accent, and his goddamn species faster than a Pokémon evolution.

If I met JD Vance on my deathbed, I’d be asking God for the express elevator OUT too.

🏛️ And Now? Welcome to the Glory Hole of Hypocrisy.

 Because let’s not kid ourselves, folks.

The Vatican isn’t a church.

 It’s the world’s oldest organized crime family with better tailors.

They preach humility—

 While sitting on literal mountains of gold.

They preach chastity—

 While quietly transferring pedophiles between zip codes like they’re trading baseball cards.

They preach forgiveness—

 Unless you’re a woman, a queer person, a divorcee, or someone who thinks maybe, just maybe, two consenting adults should be allowed to f without eternal damnation.***

And when they aren’t preaching?

They’re investing.

 They’re buying real estate.

 They’re laundering money through charities.

 They're playing Monopoly with your guilt.

You think the mob had a good racket?

The Church figured out how to sell sin insurance.

Commit a mortal sin, feel bad about it, pay your dues, and BOOM!

 You’re back in God’s good graces!

It’s like a Starbucks loyalty program for your eternal soul.

🗳️ And Now, They Gotta Elect a New Boss.

 Oh, what a beautiful scam this part is.

They gather the College of Cardinals:

 Eighty-year-old men waddling into a locked room like a geriatric Illuminati meeting at a Holiday Inn Express.

They pick a new Pope with all the transparency of a Russian election conducted by Ouija board.

They light some smoke.

“Black smoke if no decision, white smoke if we’ve picked a new moral authority to tell a billion people how to live while personally doing none of it themselves.”

This isn’t holy guidance.

 This is clerical bingo.

Same assholes.

 Same dogma.

New hat.

And every time?

Every time they promise a new era.

 A modernized Church!

 A fresh start!

"This time it'll be different!"

Yeah? Different how?

 New branding?

 Better PR team?

Because as long as the core business model is guilt in, gold out, nothing’s gonna f***ing change.

🧨 Final Thought?

 Francis tried.

 He really did.

 But the truth is: you can’t reform an empire by asking politely.

You can’t "update" a religion that's been selling fear wholesale for 2,000 years.

 You can’t sprinkle a little compassion over a pile of ancient bulls*** and call it a progressive movement.

And you sure as hell can’t sit down with a guy like JD Vance and come away thinking “Yeah, this world’s gonna be fine.”

Pope’s dead.

 The Church is still a glory hole of hypocrisy.

 And next month?

Same circus.

New ringmaster.

And the smoke will rise again—

 not from the Holy Spirit,

 but from the slow, steady combustion of common sense and decency.