Disclaimer

This is satire. No influencers were harmed in the making of this rant — well, except the one who actually was. If you confuse satire with news coverage, that’s on the media blackout, not on me.

So here we are. September 13. Four days since Charlie Kirk got shot. And the right has been wall-to-wall about it. Candlelight vigils for the guy who made a career out of being hateful, smug, and dumber than a bag of hair.

But while Fox and friends are polishing his halo, what didn’t they talk about this week?

They didn’t talk about a sixteen-year-old in Colorado who opened fire in his high school after getting radicalized online. Two kids wounded, one dead by his own gun. Radicalization works both ways, folks, but that story vanished faster than your health insurance under Trumpcare.

They didn’t talk about the thirteen-year-old in Seattle sitting on an arsenal of twenty-three firearms. Thirteen years old. More guns than birthdays. But no, let’s not dwell on that. Doesn’t fit the “good guy with a gun” bedtime story.

They didn’t talk about masked shooters in Memphis who riddled a house with bullets and put four kids in the hospital. No prime-time outrage, no round-the-clock coverage. Kids bleeding in Memphis don’t trend like Charlie Kirk.

They didn’t talk about bomb threats against Maryland’s Democratic leaders. Threats against elected officials — Democrats this time, but it could be Republicans tomorrow. Silence. Because it’s hard to scream “law and order” when your base is phoning in the bombs.

They didn’t talk about the wave of threats hitting HBCUs — Historically Black Colleges and Universities — campuses terrorized, classes canceled, students locked down. Imagine if Yale got swatted? We’d be on day seven of breaking coverage. But Southern University? Bethune-Cookman? Crickets.

And they sure as hell didn’t talk about ICE raids and National Guard deployments being planned in cities like Chicago. Soldiers and agents treating immigrant neighborhoods like warzones. That’s not news, that’s “public safety.” Which is authoritarian doublespeak for “scare the shit out of brown people.”

But Kirk? Kirk is the martyr. His shooting is the rallying cry. His face is the poster. Because for the right, tragedy is only real when it can be weaponized. When it fits the narrative. When it keeps the donations rolling and the base frothing.

The hypocrisy is staggering. Kids get shot, leaders get threatened, Black colleges get terrorized, families get ripped apart by raids — and silence. But one hateful influencer takes a bullet, and suddenly it’s the second coming of Christ in khakis.

That’s not news coverage. That’s selective grief. And selective grief is just propaganda with a coffin.