“Oh great, now they want you to narc on history at a national park. Yeah, because nothing says ‘land of the free’ like ratting out a park ranger for mentioning genocide.”

smacks lips

 “You know what this is? This is what happens when your country runs on branding. You don’t get history anymore, you get Historical™. And it better be upbeat, goddammit! We want Mount Rushmore in 4K and the Trail of Tears reimagined as a brisk scenic hike. Sponsored by Jeep!”

And then he leans in, eyes wide.

 “Can you imagine Thomas Jefferson with a QR code? ‘Scan here for a totally balanced take on that time I said all men are created equal... except the ones I owned.’”

long pause

 “This isn’t patriotism, folks. It’s denial with a color palette. They don’t want to teach you history. They want to sell you America like it’s a f***ing theme park. Except instead of rides, you get curated guilt and soft-focus cannons. No fuss, no muss, no mention of the slave labor that built half the monuments.”

“And let’s talk about this ‘negative depiction’ stuff.”

takes on a customer service voice

 “Hi, yes, I’d like to report the ranger at Wounded Knee for mentioning bullets. That really brought down the energy of our family picnic.”

tosses imaginary pamphlet over his shoulder

 “You want real history? It’s violent. It’s messy. It’s full of bastards in powdered wigs and presidents with plantation portfolios. You don’t fix that with a sign that says ‘Scan for sunshine.’ You fix it by telling the truth—even when it sucks. Especially when it sucks.”

Disclaimer: George Carlin died in 2008 and, disappointingly, never got the chance to rant about this particular brand of bureaucratic gaslighting. But we think he’d have had a field day with it—and probably ended with, “Now go outside, smoke a joint, and read a real f***ing history book.”