LEGAL DISCLAIMER (WITH EXTRA SNARK):
The following rant is a fully protected theatrical expression of rage, sarcasm, and civic despair. If you believe corporations deserve more sick days than human beings, this probably isn’t for you. Side effects may include excessive swearing, truth-induced nausea, and a burning desire to claw your rights back from a smug asshole in a flag pin. Viewer discretion advised. And by viewer, we mean you, Mike.
[George stomps onto the stage. Eyes flashing. Mic already shaking.]
You want to talk about betrayal? Let's talk about fucking Missouri.
You know what Missouri just did? Missouri just gave the middle finger to 58% of its voters. Fifty. Eight. Percent. That’s not a squeaker. That’s a goddamn landslide by modern standards. But the governor and his bootlicking band of brain-dead buzzards in the legislature took one look at democracy and said, “Cute idea. Let’s crush it.”
Why?
Because the people of Missouri had the nerve—the absolute gall—to vote for something sensible: paid sick leave and a minimum wage that actually keeps up with the goddamn price of eggs.
But oh no. That made the job creators sad. The small business owners clutched their pearls and ran crying to their lobbyists. And Mike Kehoe, in his infinite wisdom, said, “Don’t worry, donors—I mean, job creators—we’ll fix it.” Fix it by breaking it, smashing it, and setting the flaming pieces on fire again just in case it wasn’t dead enough.
And the excuse? “One-size-fits-all mandates threaten growth.” Growth of what, exactly? CEO bonuses? Yacht dealerships? Politicians’ stock portfolios? Because I guarantee it’s not growth in wages, or healthcare access, or human fucking dignity.
Let me tell you what actually threatens growth: sending sick people to work because they can’t afford a day off. Spreading disease in restaurants, warehouses, and goddamn daycare centers. Forcing moms and dads to choose between their kid’s fever and making rent. That’s the real virus, folks—and it ain’t biological. It’s greed. It's unchecked, smirking, wet-palmed greed.
They’re gutting basic worker protections, and dressing it up in bullshit like “economic freedom.” You know who that freedom is for? Corporations. The wealthy. The motherfuckers who already own everything. The rest of you? You get to work sick and broke and grateful for the privilege.
And here’s the kicker. They’re pretending they’re doing it for you.
"We must protect those who make Missouri work," Kehoe says.
No, you absolute dollar-store Nixon. You’re protecting the ones who make Missouri pay.
They say this is about helping business. You want to help business? Give workers money. Give them time off when they’re sick. You know what working-class people do with money? They spend it. In their towns. In their stores. In their fucking state.
You know what billionaires do with tax breaks and deregulation? They buy another mountain and name it after themselves.
So now the people of Missouri are fighting to put this into the constitution. Because apparently, basic humanity needs to be spelled out in granite just to keep these chucklefucks from selling it for parts.
And I say good. Do it. Because when your state government treats 58% of you like inconvenient noise, you don’t back down. You get louder. You vote again. You punch back, with paper ballots and baseball bats made of truth.
Because if you don’t? They’re coming for more. They always are.
