⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
This is a satirical commentary in the spirit of George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, the Catholic Church, or anyone who gets twitchy when the robes get roasted. Strong language, stronger opinions, and no incense. Amen.
MEET POPE LEO XIV: THE FIRST AMERICAN POPE
(And George has some f**ing questions*)
So the Catholic Church finally picked an American.
Took ’em 2,000 years and 266 tries, but hey, we made it!
And what do they call him?
Leo. The Fourteenth.
Not Bob, not Jim, not Cardinal Chuck from Chicago.
Nope—gotta Latin that shit up.
Because God forbid the Vicar of Christ sounds like he owns a hardware store.
And look—this guy?
Not the worst of ‘em.
Former missionary. Preaches unity. Probably doesn’t have a gold bathtub full of holy water and choir boys.
But come on... an American pope?
Have you seen America lately?
This is a country where half the population thinks "papal infallibility" is a brand of toilet paper and the other half’s busy banning books and blaming drag queens for earthquakes.
And now we’ve got a Pope from the land of drive-thru baptisms, megachurches with fog machines, and televangelists who own private jets named “Salvation One.”
You think the guy’s gonna preach humility from the Vatican balcony?
Or hold a press conference in front of a Chick-fil-A?
And let’s talk about the name.
Pope Leo.
There have already been THIRTEEN of them.
Half of ‘em were warmongering, heretic-hunting, empire-lusting jackasses with hats taller than their moral compass.
And now we’ve got #14.
What’s next, “John Paul III: Electric Boogaloo”?
And here's the kicker:
They say this is a new era for the Church.
More global. More open. More modern.
Modern?
This is an organization that just last century admitted Galileo was right.
Takes them 400 years to read a telescope, but they’re gonna solve climate change with a rosary and a press release?
Look, I’m not against the guy.
But the whole thing’s a little... convenient.
New Pope, new packaging. “Now with 50% more tolerance and American branding!”
Meanwhile, women still can’t be priests.
Gay people still get polite condescension instead of rights.
And the Vatican’s still sitting on more wealth than Jeff Bezos on Judgment Day.
But sure.
Let’s pin our hopes on a guy in a white dress with a Twitter account and call it progress.
The Holy See Meets the Holy Me: A Papal Audience with Trump
So, the Vatican's rolling out the red carpet for Donald Trump. Not because they want to, but because, well, diplomacy. Pope Leo XIV, the first American Pope, is probably thinking, "Great, my fellow countryman is here to grace us with his presence. What could possibly go wrong?"
Trump arrives, flanked by his entourage, wearing a suit that screams "I'm important," and a tie longer than his attention span. He approaches Pope Leo XIV with that signature smug grin.
"Your Holiness," Trump begins, "it's tremendous to meet you. Really tremendous. You're doing a fantastic job. The best. Everyone says so."
Pope Leo XIV, maintaining his composure, replies, "Welcome, Mr. President. Peace be with you."
Trump, not missing a beat, says, "And also with you. I know that one. I'm very religious. I have a Bible. It's my favorite book."
The Pope raises an eyebrow, but chooses not to engage.
They sit down, and Trump starts, "You know, I have a lot of respect for the Church. Huge respect. But I've got to say, some of your tweets—very critical. Not very nice."
Pope Leo XIV responds, "Mr. President, my duty is to uphold the teachings of Christ, which emphasize love, compassion, and humility."
Trump, chuckling, says, "Love, compassion, humility—great words. But sometimes, you have to be tough. Like me. I'm tough. The toughest."
The Pope leans in slightly, "Toughness without empathy leads to tyranny."
Trump, momentarily taken aback, quickly recovers, "Well, I prefer to think of it as strong leadership."
Pope Leo XIV smiles gently, "Leadership is not about strength; it's about service."
Trump, sensing the conversation isn't going his way, changes the subject, "Anyway, I brought you a gift. A signed copy of 'The Art of the Deal.' It's a classic."
The Pope accepts the book politely, "Thank you, Mr. President. I shall add it to the Vatican archives."
As the meeting concludes, Trump stands up, "This was great. Really great. Maybe next time, we can talk about making the Vatican great again."
Pope Leo XIV nods, "The Vatican's greatness lies in its unwavering commitment to the teachings of Christ."
Trump, already halfway out the door, calls back, "Exactly! Teachings of Christ. Love that guy."