SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER:

 The following program contains strong language, political heresy, and more mockery than a congressional hearing on TikTok. If you’re allergic to facts, logic, or the idea that maybe—just maybe—the guy in the golf cart isn’t a selfless humanitarian—grab your emotional support MAGA hat and brace yourself. This is satire. If you feel personally attacked, that’s between you and your therapist.

Ah, Washington D.C.—the nation’s capital. Seat of democracy. Birthplace of gridlock. Home to over 700,000 people who—against all odds—have managed to govern themselves for fifty years without consulting the Mar-a-Lago interior decorator. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the latest backdrop for the Felon of the United States’ personal episode of Extreme Makeover: Authoritarian Edition.

Trump wakes up on a Sunday, shuffles to his phone, probably still wearing golf cleats in the Lincoln Bedroom, looks out the armored SUV window, and—gasp!—sees tents. Actual tents. Not the tasteful, gold-trimmed Bedouin pavilions he would approve of, but plain canvas, not even monogrammed. And he loses his goddamn mind.

“The homeless have to move out, IMMEDIATELY,” he says, promising to put them “FAR from the Capital.” And he’ll give them “places to stay.” Which, knowing him, probably means a prison cell, a cage, or one of those old Trump casinos where the plumbing hasn’t worked since the Clinton administration.

Now, does he give a single microscopic fuck about the homeless? Of course not. This is a man whose idea of charity is letting someone else pay his legal bills. But does it bother him that people might see poverty from the backseat of his motorcade? Oh, absolutely. It wrecks the whole vibe. He’s going for “Imperial Rome” and what he’s getting is “reality bites.”

And you know what really fries his spray-tanned hide? It’s the aesthetic. In his perfect world, everything should be gold-plated: the Oval Office, the Resolute Desk, hell, probably the White House squirrels. You think he’s ranting about “cleanliness” because he’s worried about sanitation? No—he’s worried those tents aren’t on brand. If the Capitol is his set, then these people are messing up the shot.

And just in case you think this is about public safety—don’t. Violent crime in D.C. is at a thirty-year low. That’s not me saying it—that’s MPD statistics. Down 35% in 2024, down another 26% this year. That’s like breaking up with someone and then showing up six months later demanding to “fix” their relationship.

But he’s not stopping there. Oh no. This is about more than tents. This is about power. He’s got lawyers looking into repealing D.C.’s Home Rule Act, which would let him scrap the city’s elected government and run the capital directly from the White House. Because if there’s one thing a twice-impeached, 91-felonious-counts-and-counting, court-dodging grifter loves, it’s complete control over a city full of people who didn’t vote for him.

And here’s the kicker: if he pulls it off, he can greenlight whatever crackdown he wants. Federal cops patrolling every block. Permits for protests denied because “it might clash with the drapes.” Homeless people “relocated” to facilities “far” away—maybe just far enough that you can’t hear them scream over the sound of golf carts and Fox News.

So no, this isn’t about crime. It’s not about safety. It’s not even about the people living in those tents. It’s about ego. It’s about optics. It’s about making sure that the only thing you see when you look at D.C. is the reflection off his gilded bathroom fixtures. And if that means bulldozing human beings out of their own city, well, in the words of the man himself: “What do you have to lose?”

You want to fix D.C., Donnie? Start by taking the gold leaf off your ego, the orange paint off your face, and your hands off a city that doesn’t belong to you.