⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. If your campaign staff is busy photoshopping Trump's head onto Mount Rushmore or misspelling "Georgia" in all caps, you probably won't like what follows. For everyone else: grab your popcorn and keep your nouns properly placed.

Let’s talk about the 2026 Senate races, where the GOP is running a full-time personality cult and the Democrats just rolled out a grown-ass adult with a résumé.

See, for ten years now, the Republican strategy has been simple: kiss the ring, wear the hat, get the post.

Want to be a senator? Suck up.

Want to chair a committee? Grovel harder.

Want to run unopposed? Tattoo his face on your ass and scream “MAGA” during recess.

It’s not a party. It’s auditions for a reality show reboot.

But now Trump is discovering something new: when you build your brand on fealty, everyone thinks they’re the chosen one.

Let’s take South Carolina, where Trump endorsed Lindsey Graham—yes, that Lindsey Graham, the man who morphs depending on which way the spray tan blows.

Trump backs him, says “he’s loyal,” and that’s supposed to be the end of it.

But no. Enter Andre Bauer, a human “No Pets” sign, who once compared food stamp kids to stray dogs.

And then, like a fungus in a Heritage Foundation breakroom, Paul Dans—yes, the Project 2025 guy—jumps in too.

His pitch? “I wrote the blueprint for authoritarianism at my kitchen table, and now I want to finish the job in the Senate.”

Because nothing says populism like a man who wants to drown the government in a bathtub—and still get a taxpayer-funded pension.

And just down the coast? Georgia.

Trump talks Marjorie Taylor Greene out of running, probably because he couldn’t get enough airspace with her screaming about Jewish space lasers.

But then boom—Mike Collins jumps in. A trucking executive who thinks the country’s 51st state is GEORIGA. Yeah. Read that again to be sure you see it. G-E-O-R-I-G-A

This genius released a campaign ad where he literally can’t spell the name of his own damn state.

But hey, he’s got a rifle and Trump’s voice on loop, so he must be qualified!

Also running? Buddy Carter—whose claim to fame is nominating Trump for a Nobel Prize because "he tried real hard."

Meanwhile, behind the curtain, Trump’s camp is panicking.

Why? Because he’s trying to play party boss, and suddenly the Frankenstein’s monster is auditioning for Senate.

Now let’s talk about Roy Cooper.

You remember Roy—the guy who actually ran a state, balanced a budget, expanded Medicaid, protected women’s rights, and—gasp!—worked with Republicans.

He’s not shouting. He’s not tweeting. He’s not recording ads with rifle scopes and typoed graphics.

He’s just doing the job.

And he’s entering the Senate race in North Carolina like a guy who doesn’t need a personality cult to lead—he just needs a damn calendar.

In the first 24 hours? $3.4 million in small-dollar donations.

Meanwhile, the GOP’s response is... probably another bill to rename a post office “TRUMP.”

Final Thought?

While the GOP eats itself alive in a loyalty Hunger Games—Cooper’s about to walk into the arena like Maximus with a clipboard.

The Republican Party has turned into a parody of itself.

They don’t want strategy. They don’t want policy.

They want applause, obedience, and “GEORIGA LET’S RIDE.”

But this ain’t WWE.

It’s a Senate race.

And Roy Cooper just brought facts to a grudge match.

So grab your popcorn.

This one's gonna leave skid marks on a few red caps.