⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Checks & Balances Edition—Now With Egos on Fire)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think America can survive when one branch tells the others to shut the hell up, you might want to go buy a flag and a fainting couch.

So let me get this straight.

Karoline Leavitt—Trump’s PR wind-up doll—gets in front of a camera and says, “America cannot function if President Trump has to deal with co-equal branches of government having the ability to check his power.”

That’s it. No misquote. No twist. No “context.” Just the open, uncut fantasy of authoritarianism, delivered with a straight face and probably a little patriotic bunting flapping behind her.

Let me tell you something: when someone says the president can’t function if people get to tell him “no,” what they mean is he’s not the president. He’s the king. And this country already had one of those. We sent him packing in 1776. That’s the whole fucking point.

Now let’s talk about this administration and its love affair with unchecked power.

You want examples? Strap in.

He’s ignored subpoenas from Congress like they were charity requests. He treats congressional oversight like junk mail: “Return to sender. Addressed to someone with authority.”

He’s danced around court rulings, declared them unfair, “biased,” “rigged”—because judges doing their jobs gets in the way of his vision. Which is funny, because I don’t remember “unitary executive” meaning “do whatever the hell you want and staple the Constitution to a Big Mac wrapper.”

And he’s stacked federal agencies with cronies who answer to him and only him—because if the executive branch has to answer to anybody, it slows down the goddamn parade.

Well boo-fucking-hoo. That’s the job.

Let me tell you how this system works.

Congress makes the laws.

The Executive enforces them.

The Judiciary interprets them.

They’re supposed to fight. They’re supposed to struggle. That’s how we keep anyone from seizing the whole sandbox and calling it a throne.

But this guy? This guy doesn’t want co-equal branches. He wants co-dependent fanboys. He wants a Congress that claps, a court that bows, and a press that hands him the mic and says, “Thank you, sir, may we quote your brilliance?”

You remember that Schoolhouse Rock song? “Three rings of power—equal and separate.”

Well now we’ve got a two-bit dictator trying to turn it into one big red ring around his name, and if you even suggest he oughta answer to anyone, his people call it a witch hunt.

And now the mouthpieces are saying the quiet part out loud: America can’t function if we have to follow the rules.

Let me say that again for the people in the cheap seats—They’re telling you the problem is democracy itself.

Not corruption. Not gridlock. Not bureaucracy.

 Nope. The problem is accountability.

This isn’t government.

This is a toddler smashing his Tonka truck and crying because the court said, “Maybe you shouldn’t build that on top of other people’s rights.”

This is power with no shame and no leash.

This is a dress rehearsal for tyranny, and they’re handing out programs with red hats and loyalty oaths.

End scene.

And if you’re still wondering if maybe they’ve got a point—if maybe it is too hard to govern with all those pesky rules and branches, then I’ve got a place for you: it’s called Russia, and they’ve got one branch, one leader, one microphone.

And you don’t get to hold it.

You just shut up and clap.