⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Steel Edition—Now With Authoritarian Alloys)

 This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think presidents can pick winners and kings by decree—with tariffs and golden shares—then you’re already halfway to wanting a crown.

So let me get this straight.

Trump just announced he’s got a golden share in U.S. Steel—owned by the American people? Nope. Owned by him. He’s not negotiating policy with Congress. He’s selecting his medals, board directors by fiat, and calling the rest national security.

He’s saying: “I’ll slap 50% tariffs on your imports… unless I get to call the shots at U.S. Steel.”

 It’s not negotiation. It’s extortion by executive order.

Now imagine this: He’s standing in Pittsburgh, chest puffed wide like a barnyard rooster, demanding—no, insisting—the government must control this company. “Otherwise I wouldn’t make the deal,” he says. Translation: “Without my personal veto, no steel for you.”

Jobs? Sure—70,000 headlines. But economists? They’re shrugging. Modern steel mills need high-tech, not high tariffs. And the tariffs? They’ll raise costs for manufacturers, delay infrastructure—not save workers reuters.com+1apnews.com+1.

Let’s talk precedent—this is executive overreach in steel-toed boots.

• He's rewriting foreign investment rules without Congress.
• He’s weaponizing tariffs as political capital.
• He’s placing himself above bipartisan oversight and expert consensus.

This isn’t economic policy. This is authoritarian prompt engineering: “Girl, you better dance—or I turn off the lights.”

America isn’t a puppet show. It’s a republic.

 Courts hate tariffs that discriminate.

 Congress writes trade laws.

 CFIUS reviews national security.

But no: He’s clawing control in stealth mode—golden shares, tariff amnesia, and a stage built out of union struggle.

The United Steelworkers are waving red flags. Economists are pulling hair. Investors are unsure who owns what—but he’s sure he does.

He’s not rescuing steel.

 He’s elevating himself.

End scene.

So let me spell it out slowly:

• Golden share controlled by a president? That’s not capitalism.
• 50% tariffs to push through his personal deal? That’s not protection.
• No CFIUS clarity, no legislative debate? That’s not oversight.

It’s one-man rule masquerading as patriotism. With steel. With power. With a flag.

And if you think this is cheaper than democracy—go buy a “golden share” of that bridge I’m selling.