SATIRE DISCLAIMER: Professional outrage incoming. Explicit language, no footnotes, no apologies. All characters in this performance are real; the absurdity is not exaggerated.
You ever watch the justice system try to pretend it’s competent? Oh, sweetheart, pull up a chair, because this week it face-planted so hard it left a crater.
So here’s what happened: They brought these big, dramatic, fireworks-and-flag-waving indictments against James Comey and Letitia James — you know, the two names guaranteed to give Trumpworld hives. They had the whole circus going. They were practically printing “GUILTY AS HELL” hats.
And then…the judge walks in like a substitute teacher on the last day before break and says: “Hey, kids — funny story — the prosecutor who brought these cases? Yeah… she wasn’t legally a prosecutor.”
I swear to God, I heard the Looney Tunes theme start playing.
The court’s exact words: “No lawful authority to present the indictment.”
That’s legal jargon for: “The person driving the bus didn’t have a license and the bus was made of cardboard.”
This wasn’t justice. This was a middle-school production of Law & Order without the rights to the theme song.
And in the past few days? Oh, the fallout’s been delicious.
Republicans are screaming “technicality!”
Democrats are passing popcorn around like it’s movie night.
The DOJ is quietly backing toward the exit muttering “we’re not retrying that mess.”
And Trump’s Truth Social page is one stroke away from being a ransom note.
Meanwhile, legal scholars on cable news are doing that careful, polite, academic dance where they try not to say: “This whole case was a clown show run by interns.”
Because let’s remember: Lindsey Halligan — the woman Trumpworld was calling their “top prosecutor” — turns out she had roughly the same level of appointment authority as a mall Santa.
They brought her in like she was the legal equivalent of Seal Team Six. Turns out she was more like Seal Team Sick Day.
And the judge? The judge basically sighed, took off the glasses, and said: “We can’t even begin. The plug’s not in the wall.”
Dismissed without prejudice — theoretically retryable — but everyone in the building knows this case is deader than Trump’s NFT market.
And the best part? This ruling is now being cited in two other cases brought by the same office.
They didn’t knock down a domino. They knocked over a meth-lab chandelier.
And you know what this whole thing proves?
That in America, we’ve got two justice systems: One for regular people. Where if you miss a single signature on a mortgage form they repossess your dog and garnish your dreams.
And one for the powerful. Where you can get indicted on Tuesday, un-indicted on Thursday, and claim victory on Friday because somebody filled out the appointment paperwork like they were doing Mad Libs.
This isn’t justice. This is justice on layaway. Justice from Wish. Justice with a coupon code that expired during the Benghazi hearings.
Hell — we’re living in a country where the courtroom isn’t even political adjacent anymore. It’s political theater, baby, and the ushers are selling merch in the lobby.
So congratulations, America. Two high-profile cases got flushed not because the defendants were innocent, not because the evidence was weak, but because the prosecutor was a legal hologram.
This is what you get when the system’s so corrupted it can’t even corrupt itself correctly.
And the message is crystal clear: If you want justice, buy a dictionary. If you want political revenge, hire someone who knows what the hell they’re doing. Because if you let amateurs run the crusade, don’t be surprised when the holy fire sets their own robes on fire.
Court adjourned.