Satirical Disclaimer: This is your irregularly scheduled reminder that if you think “Everyone Deserves To Read Books” is some kind of liberal conspiracy, you might be too fragile for both democracy and the Dewey Decimal System. Reader discretion is advised, as is therapy.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Supreme Court Justices stuck in the emotional development stage of a soggy saltine: Welcome to the latest installment of “Who Let These Clowns Into Robes?”—starring the constitutional contortionist himself, Justice Sam “No Fun Allowed” Alito!

That’s right. The judicial equivalent of a parent storming into the library to scream about how Harry Potter turns kids gay and Charlotte’s Web promotes interspecies socialism has officially weaponized America’s whiniest, most willfully misinformed adults. Thanks to Alito’s new majority opinion in Mahmoud v. Taylor, if even one pearl-clutching parent thinks a book might give their child “ideas,” the entire school district has to bend over backwards to accommodate their trembling, trembling sensibilities.

Because God forbid your second grader learn that gay people exist. Or that women can do things besides churn butter and birth disappointment.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t just a homophobic hissy fit (though it absolutely is that). This decision opens the floodgates to a full-blown Religious Parental Veto on anything that might make a child empathetic, informed, or remotely equipped for modern life. Books about magic? Out. Evolution? Sinful lies. Women doing stuff? Burn ‘em. Critical thinking? Not if it threatens to breach the sacred text of Leviticus-by-way-of-QAnon.

And Justice Alito—who reads every case like he’s still mad about the time a school librarian didn’t stock Atlas Shrugged—had the gall to frame this ruling as a “compromise.” Because apparently, stripping public education down to Fox News for Kids is moderate now.

But wait! There’s plot twist potential here. Like all conservative decisions done in a frothy ideological rush, this one may have unintended consequences. Because guess what? Parents on the left have also read this ruling. And they’re starting to think: Oh? You say I can object to anything based on religious grounds?

Cue the rise of WOKE: We’re Oklahoma Education—a group of progressive parents in Oklahoma using the exact same law to object to right-wing propaganda in classrooms. You know, things like election denial, biblical pseudohistory, and PragerU’s wild claim that Frederick Douglass thought slavery was “a compromise.” (Next lesson: George Washington was just a guy who hated taxes, and the Trail of Tears was a scenic route.)

Suddenly, the Christian Nationalist crusade against knowledge might get a taste of its own sanctimonious medicine.

But here’s the real kicker: Alito and his pals keep doing this. They love throwing judicial grenades into American life without thinking through the debris field. Gun rulings so broad wife-beaters can open carry. Abortion rulings so vague no one knows what’s legal anymore. And now this: a “fuck around and find out” moment in which every parent gets to drag their personal theology into public education like it’s Parent-Teacher Night at the Apocalypse.

So to Justice Alito and his cohort of robe-draped reactionaries: Congratulations. You’ve turned the Supreme Court into the nation’s worst PTA meeting. You’ve handed out veto power to every frothing zealot with a Facebook account and a King James complex. And in your rush to protect kids from inclusive picture books, you’ve all but guaranteed a future where public schools collapse under the weight of manufactured outrage.

The Founders are rolling in their graves. Not because someone said the word “gay” in a school library—but because you guys can’t tell the difference between religious freedom and authoritarian cosplay.

Class dismissed.