⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Redacted History!)
This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think celebrating freedom for enslaved Americans is “divisive,” but storming the Capitol is “patriotic,” this rant may cause severe discomfort. Side effects include truth, sarcasm, and the overwhelming urge to read a damn book.
📜 Let’s start with the basics, kids.
Juneteenth is the day—June 19, 1865—when the last enslaved Black Americans in Galveston, Texas were told they were free.
That’s two and a half years after the Emancipation Proclamation.
Because, you know, Texas: “Freedom? Yeah, we’ll get to it… right after lunch.”
So Juneteenth isn’t just a date. It’s a reminder.
That freedom delayed is freedom denied.
That even after the laws change, the power structures fight like hell to keep things exactly the same.
That’s why it matters.
Because this country has a long, proud, gut-churning tradition of dragging its feet on justice—and Juneteenth is the footnote carved into granite.
Now fast-forward to 2025.
We finally made it a federal holiday in 2021.
A bipartisan, symbolic “Yes, let’s honor this!” moment.
But guess what?
FOTUS hates it.
He doesn’t have to say it. His silence screams it.
No proclamation.
No acknowledgment.
No flag flown, no speech given, no “look at how much I love Black people” photo op.
Just quiet, petty sabotage.
Because while he can’t cancel the holiday—Congress made it official—he can bury it under bureaucracy and budget cuts.
You like celebrating Juneteenth at your agency?
Too bad. That DEI program that ran the event? Gone.
You want a panel, a speaker, a moment of reflection?
Nope. Not unless you want audits, investigations, and a new memo from HR saying “let’s focus on unity.”
Because diversity is now a dirty word.
Equity? Radical.
Inclusion? Marxist.
Can’t even say “Black Lives Matter” without some red-hat bootlicker crying about “reverse racism” from behind his taxpayer-funded desk chair.
Here’s the trick: They’re not attacking Juneteenth by name.
That would be too obvious. Too messy. Too public.
No, they’re starving it.
Like they do everything else they fear but can’t control.
Pull the funds.
Cancel the events.
Shut down the organizers.
And make damn sure no kid in a school hears about it unless it’s part of a unit titled “Things That Made America Uncomfortable Once and Then Were Fixed Forever.”
You want to know why this holiday matters?
Because the same government that once waited two and a half years to tell people they were free is now doing everything it can to make sure that story gets buried again.
So this Juneteenth?
Light a candle.
Raise a glass.
Tell the truth.
And don’t let them pretend this day is about “divisiveness.”
Because what really scares them is that Juneteenth reminds us what this country owes—and who it’s still trying not to pay.
🔊 “Oh, you thought the silence was bad? Wait till you hear what he did say.”
President Trump, in his infinite performative patriotism, marked Juneteenth this year by…completely ignoring it and then going on a tirade about how America has “too many non-working holidays.”
This from the man who declared “Victory Days” to honor the end of World Wars like he’s rebranding Memorial Day as a marketing scheme.
Here’s the quote, straight from the Truth Social outhouse:
“Too many non-working holidays in America… It must change if we are going to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
Translation?
“We already gave you a holiday, now shut up and get back to work.”
🎤 You know what this is?
It’s not leadership.
It’s not even a dog whistle anymore.
It’s a man throwing a tantrum because Juneteenth doesn’t glorify war, flags, or him.
He signed proclamations for Flag Day, Father’s Day, the goddamn Battle of Bunker Hill—but couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge the day slavery actually ended for millions of Black Americans.
No speech. No proclamation.
Just a recycled grievance about people getting a day off.
Because to FOTUS, Black freedom isn’t worth a headline.
But a 250-year-old British skirmish?
Roll out the bunting and cue the fifes.
This isn’t about economics.
This isn’t about workers.
It’s about resentment—pure and simple.
He’s not mad about days off.
He’s mad that this holiday exists.
He’s mad that it centers Black history, not his name.
🔊 “We were Workers then, and we are Workers now!” he says.
Yeah? Tell that to the plantation.
Tell that to the railroads, the fields, the factories.
Tell that to the people who built this country without pay and without rights—the very people Juneteenth honors.
You don’t get to pretend to be the champion of the working class while spitting on the day that marks their freedom.
FINAL WORD?
He didn’t “forget” Juneteenth.
He snubbed it.
And then threw a fit because someone else got a spotlight.
FOTUS isn’t just out of step—he’s out of decency.
And if honoring the end of slavery is what offends you,
then the problem isn’t the calendar.
It’s you.