⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

 The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and absolutely no tolerance for hypocrisy. Reader discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

JUDGE JEANINE. U.S. ATTORNEY. WHAT THE F*** ARE WE EVEN DOING?

 So now it’s official: Donald J. Spraytan has appointed Jeanine Pirro—yes, that Jeanine, Fox News’ resident banshee in a wine glass—as the interim U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia.

Let me repeat that for the folks in the back still brushing off the whiplash from the last constitutional collapse:

The woman who once suggested Barack Obama might be a secret Muslim and accused the FBI of treason is now the top federal prosecutor in Washington, D.C.

You can’t make this shit up, folks.

 Even Kafka’s ghost is tapping out like, “Too weird. I’m done.”

This is a woman whose legal analysis makes your uncle’s Facebook rants look like the Federalist Papers.

 She once said Democrats “hate America” because they think poor kids deserve school lunch.

 And now she’s running the office that prosecutes federal crimes in the capital.

 The same capital where her boss’s fans stormed the Capitol five years ago dressed like flag-wrapped LARPers on a meth bender.

And speaking of meth—have you seen her monologues?

Jeanine doesn’t speak, she detonates.

 Watching her talk is like watching a blender filled with Red Bull, racial resentment, and expired campaign talking points.

But hey, in Trump’s America, that’s not a red flag—it’s a resume.

Because this ain’t about qualifications anymore.

 This is about loyalty.

 Not to the country, not to the Constitution—but to the big, sweaty, orange brand.

She’s not there to uphold justice.

 She’s there to shield Trump from it.

 This is the Justice Department’s new motto: “All crimes are equal, but some crimes are patriotic.”

Remember when federal prosecutors were boring?

 You never wanted to know their names.

 They worked behind the scenes, wore suits, said things like “evidence” and “jurisdiction.”

Now?

 Now we’ve got Judge Jeanine, who once went on a five-minute tirade about immigrant caravans while half a bottle of Pinot Grigio tried to escape from her bloodstream.

You think she’s gonna uphold civil rights?

 She doesn’t even uphold a coherent sentence.

And the best part?

 This is who Trump picks to clean up D.C.

 Like nominating a raccoon to manage a jewelry store.

“Don’t worry, he’s got tiny hands!”

Meanwhile, the rest of the world is watching us like we’re a soap opera that ran out of plot and started recycling characters from bad episodes.

We used to be the country that sent lawyers to Nuremberg.

 Now we send Fox News anchors to indict librarians.

So buckle up.

 Because when Judge Jeanine is your top prosecutor?

Every case is a trial by fireball.