SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. Angry, exhausted, and debt-aware satire. If you think tariffs are free, rebates are magic, and budgets balance themselves with vibes, you might want to skip this one and go hug a check from 2020.

So Josh Hawley—senator, part-time gym enthusiast, and full-time logic contortionist—has a brand-new plan to save America:

A $600 “Tariff Rebate” for Every American.

You heard that right.

We’re getting a refund check for the tariffs we weren’t supposed to be paying.

This is the legislative equivalent of saying,

“Hey! I didn’t hit you in the face—but here’s $600 for the black eye.”

Let’s walk through the flaming stupidity of this, shall we?

Tariffs, as Trump famously told us while butchering a cheeseburger at a press conference, would be paid by China.

Not you. Not me. China.

But apparently… you now need a rebate because those tariffs definitely made your groceries more expensive, your appliances pricier, and your gas bill look like a ransom note.

So Hawley’s saying: Don’t worry—we’ll fix that with a check from the government.

But wait…

Where does that money come from?

From the federal budget—you know, the one we just lit on fire with a $3 trillion deficit thanks to FOTUS’ budget, new tax cuts for billionaires, and a magical $934 million jet upgrade to Air Force One from the nuclear missile modernization fund.

That’s right.

We’ve got record-high deficits, rising interest rates, and tariffs that act like hidden taxes—and your elected officials’ answer is: borrow more money to compensate you for the cost of the policy they said wouldn’t cost anything.

This is like lighting your kitchen on fire, blaming the smoke detector, then offering your neighbors coupons to Home Depot while refinancing the mortgage.

And let’s not forget: This isn’t 2020.

 That $600 check back then was for a once-in-a-century pandemic that shut down the economy.

This?

This is reimbursement cosplay.

It’s political hush money for economic pain the GOP refuses to admit even exists.

They’re trying to buy your silence with a check that won’t cover your rent, won’t fix your grocery bill, and won’t undo the long-term inflationary hell caused by tariffs on imports we can’t stop buying.

And guess what?

If tariffs were so great, you wouldn’t need a rebate.

If China was paying them, you wouldn’t feel the sting.

And if you believed your own propaganda, Josh, you wouldn’t be handing out hush money with one hand while denying the damage with the other.

Final Thought?

This isn’t policy.

It’s bribery with extra steps.

It’s “we broke it, you bought it—and now we’ll give you a coupon and pretend we fixed it.”

You want real relief?

Try repealing the tariffs.

Try stopping the debt explosion.

Try not giving more tax cuts to billionaires while middle-class families live off peanut butter and 20-year-old cars.

Until then, keep your $600.

It won’t pay down the debt.

It won’t fix the economy.

And it won’t erase the fact that this entire mess was avoidable if you people had read a damn economics textbook instead of listening to a twice-impeached game show host in a red hat.

But sure—send the check.

Just don’t call it leadership.

Call it what it is: A payoff for a lie they already sold you once.