“JabberTrumpy”

With Explanatory Footnotes for Readers Who Don’t Speak MAGAnese

’Twas MAGA, and the slithy libs

(‘Twas a dark and stormy cult rally. “Slithy libs” = Slippery liberal elitists, best served with soy and panic.)

Did gyre and gimble in the Fake,

“Gyre and gimble” = hysterical flailing in the ‘Fake News’ cycle, often accompanied by fact-checking and tears of democracy.

All flimsy were the newsy fibs,

Flimsy, yes. But somehow still more structurally sound than Trump’s legal defense.

And Trump’s brain took a break.

This line is timeless. Happens hourly. Especially during golf.

“Beware the JabberTrump, my son!

The lies that bite, the frauds that catch!

Beware the FoxNews bird, and shun

The smug Sean Hannity Snatch!”

“JabberTrump” = An unstable orange-skinned beast who screams nonsense, collects legal cases, and feeds on grievance and gravy.“FoxNews bird” = Once a majestic hawk, now a chicken nugget in a red tie.“Hannity Snatch” = Mythical creature who appears in mirrors whispering, “You’re still the President.”

He took his shiny sharpie pen—

Used exclusively to edit maps and reality.

Long time the bogus foe he sought—

Bogus foes include: windmills, democracy, immigrants, Rosie O’Donnell.

Then rested by the covfefe tree

The sacred Tree of Confusion. Watered by Diet Coke. Tended by unpaid interns.

And tweeted what he thought.

A moment of silence for syntax.

And as he stood in thoughtless pause,

He does this a lot. Usually during national emergencies.

The JabberTrump, with gaze insane,

Also known as “campaign mode.”

Came blundering through Mar-a-Lago’s halls

Still under investigation.

And screeched, “I won! It’s all Ukraine!”

Historical note: This was yelled in 2020, 2021, 2022, and again during a buffet incident in 2025.

One-two! One-two! And through and through

The justice blade went snicker-snack!

This is metaphorical. Real justice proceeds at the speed of molasses rolling uphill in winter.

He dodged and fled and fled again

With Rudy on his back.

Rudy, the once-respected Nosferatu of Manhattan, now functions as a legal backpack. Filled with expired affidavits and alcohol.

“And hast thou slain the JabberTrump?

Come to my arms, my bold DA!

O frabjous day! Indict! Delay!”

He chortled in dismay.

This stanza is filed under “fantasy.” See also: “Accountability,” “Consequences,” and “Republicans with spines.”

’Twas MAGA, and the slithy libs

Still gyred and gimbled through the Fake,

While orange lies and ego fibs

Refused their final stake.

Final stake not yet achieved. Please refresh your page in November.