🚨SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER (CALM DOWN, LAWYERS):

 The following rant is a work of political satire. It contains language that might upset fascists, liars, cowards, climate-deniers, budget-slashers, and anyone who thinks disaster victims should fill out a TPS report before receiving rescue. Any resemblance to actual assholes is purely intentional. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this. If satire lasts more than four hours, consult your conscience.

So lemme get this straight.

Texas gets smashed by a record-breaking flood. Water rising, people dying, homes shredded like junk mail—and FEMA, the fucking emergency agency, has to sit on its hands and wait for Kristi Noem, the Discount Barbie from Hell, to sign a goddamn permission slip?

You’ve got bodies floating down the Guadalupe and this ice-hearted bureaucrat’s too busy playing fascist hall monitor to approve search and rescue contracts?

This is not leadership. This is murder by paperwork.

And don’t give me that “accountability” horseshit. These people didn’t streamline disaster response—they fucking choked it with red tape, zip-tied it to a desk, and then blamed the victim for drowning.

You know what they called this brilliant new plan? Making FEMA “lean.” You know what else is lean? A corpse.

This is what happens when you take the nation’s disaster response agency and turn it into a political pawn in your revenge game against anyone who didn’t kiss your ass with the proper suction. You strip the budget. You cut the forecasters. You fire the scientists. And then you give command to a glorified Stepford wife with a cruelty fetish and the compassion of a wet paper bag.

Oh, and let’s not forget the fucking irony. You put the “pro-states’ rights” crowd in charge, and suddenly nobody’s allowed to do a goddamn thing without a memo signed in glitter pen by Madame High Horse.

You’re not draining the swamp. You’re turning it into a floodplain and watching people drown.

Emergency response shouldn’t be a loyalty test. You shouldn’t need clearance from a partisan ice queen to airlift people off their goddamn rooftops. But here we are.

A nation of boots, and every one of them’s aimed straight at the necks of people trying to breathe.

And the worst part? When the water recedes, they’ll tell us it was “a learning opportunity.”

You know what the lesson is?

Don’t elect fucking sociopaths.