⚠️ SATIRE ALERT: This is a George Carlin–style rant.

That means sarcasm, swearing, and a full-throated scream into the flaming dumpster of American politics. If you're easily offended, go find a cat video and clutch your pearls. Everyone else? Buckle up.

So let me get this straight.

We’ve reached the part of the fascist speedrun where the president decides who counts as a person.

Literally.

Donald "I Love the Constitution Except When It Inconveniences Me" Trump has just told his Commerce Department to scrap the U.S. Census—you know, that boring little thing the founders put in the damn Constitution—and replace it with a shiny new version that ignores undocumented immigrants. Not "counts them separately." Not "flags them for policy discussions."

Ignores. Them. Entirely.

No person, no problem.

No count, no seat. No seat, no vote. No vote, no democracy.

But wait, it gets better—because this isn’t a regular census, the kind we do every ten years like civilized societies pretending to care about fairness.

No no no. This is a mid-decade, back-alley, Franken-census.

One cooked up in the basement of authoritarian dreams, using the results of the 2024 Presidential Election—as if that’s a valid data set and not just the smoking ruins of democratic process.

And why?

Because if you erase enough brown people, you win more red seats.

This isn’t subtle. This isn’t policy.

This is strategic erasure with a spreadsheet and a sledgehammer.

It’s a political neutron bomb aimed right at California, New York, Illinois—every state with enough immigrants to matter.

“Highly accurate,” he says.

Yeah. About as accurate as his inauguration crowd numbers and his golf handicap.

This isn’t a census.

It’s a census cosplay in a Klan robe.

Let’s be crystal clear for the folks in the back of the collapsing republic:

👉 The Constitution says count all persons, not just citizens.

 👉 The Supreme Court already smacked this down in 2020.

 👉 A mid-decade census isn't a thing, unless you're trying to do something very stupid, very fast, and very illegal.

But hey—why settle for gerrymandering when you can just delete whole communities from existence with the click of a federal mouse?

You don’t have to win the game when you control the scoreboard.

And now he’s trying to unplug half the opposing team and shout “VICTORY!”

This isn’t democracy. It’s political necromancy.

They’re raising the dead ideas of Jim Crow and putting them in a polo shirt.

And if you think this stops at undocumented immigrants?

Wait until they decide you’re not “citizen enough.”

Not white enough. Not rich enough. Not compliant enough.

You think you're safe because your papers are in order?

Try surviving the next purge when the rules change mid-game—again.

This isn’t about a census.

It’s about who gets to exist in the America they’re building.

And let me tell you something, folks: If they get to write the headcount, they’ve already written the ending.

So maybe it’s time to stop treating this like politics-as-usual and start calling it what it is:

An authoritarian power grab wrapped in red, white, and go-fuck-yourself.

Mic drop.

Census that.