⚠️ SATIRE WARNING: This is not NPR. This is George Carlin’s ghost with a crowbar.
Language ahead may offend fascists, cowards, private prison shareholders, and anyone who thinks the DHS slogan “Defend Your Culture” doesn’t sound like a deleted Wolfenstein mission briefing.
You ever get a bill so big, so grotesque, so theatre-of-the-damned ridiculous, you wonder if it came from a dystopian Mad Libs?
Well guess what, kids—we’re all holding the receipt now.
A woman in Nebraska asked the right question at a town hall this week. Not how to stop fascism. Not even how to fight it.
How much does it cost.
Because when your country starts spending FEMA money on goddamn concentration camps, you’re not in Kansas anymore—you’re in Chapter Eleven of the Constitution, right before it gets “accidentally deleted.”
450 million bucks to open a detention swamp called Alligator Alcatraz.
600 million more for additional camps.
And ICE is incinerating $8.4 million A DAY to play "round up the brown people" like it’s a racist Duck Hunt reboot.
Alligator Alcatraz.
Jesus tapdancing Christ, they even made the name sound like a theme park sponsored by trauma.
No clocks. No sunlight. Showers every four days. Overflowing toilets.
But it’s fine, because the state of Florida is running it—which means they can be sued.
So don’t worry, the injustice comes with a refund policy.
📉 “Kill the Messenger, Blame the Stats”
Meanwhile, back in Washington, the economy tanked harder than Trump’s moral compass, so naturally he fired the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Because when the numbers look bad, you don’t fix the problem.
You shoot the fuckin’ weatherman.
Even Fed Governor Lisa Cook whispered the forbidden truth: “This looks like a turning point.”
A turning point.
Y’know, like the Titanic right after it turned toward the iceberg.
🚽 “Welcome to Swamp Camp”
Let’s talk about Florida’s crown jewel of cruelty, Alligator Alcatraz.
They’ve got less daylight than a vampire’s basement, more backed-up toilets than Coachella, and showers that happen about as often as Haley’s Comet.
And this horror show is run by a private contractor, because of course it is—because nothing says “American freedom” like a profit margin on human misery.
You ever look at something so inhumane you expect to see the Halliburton logo on the walls?
💰 “Private Prisons: Because Slavery Wasn’t Scalable Enough”
Speaking of which: GEO Group’s stock price just jumped because they signed $145 million in ICE contracts.
And what did they do with their blood money?
They bought back $300 million in stock, baby.
Because fascism doesn’t just pay—it dividends.
You thought late-stage capitalism was bad?
Try late-stage capitalism with jackboots.
🪖 “Serve Your Country! Defend Your Culture!—Sponsored by Goebbels”
And here’s where it goes from horrifying to Saturday morning cartoon evil.
DHS is literally using Nazi propaganda now. Not “kinda sounds like.” Not “could be misinterpreted.”
They actually posted: “Serve your country! Defend your culture!”
And apparently, they meant anybody.
Because now they’re offering:
- $50,000 signing bonuses
- No age limits
- No education requirements
- AND (drumroll please) forced transfers of FEMA trainees to ICE or face unemployment.
Let me say that again for the folks duct-taped to their chairs: They’re forcing disaster relief workers into secret police duty.
And if that doesn’t sound like some South Park-ass parody of Kristi Noem, guess what?
South Park already torched her for this bullshit.
That’s when you know you’ve gone too far—you became a cartoon before the season even aired.
🗺️ “How to Steal a Country in Three Gerrymanders or Less”
And while you were distracted by the alligator gulag and fascist BuzzFeed slogans, Trump tried to steal Congress.
Again.
Mid-decade redistricting in Texas—five seats carved up like a birthday cake in hell.
Democrats walked out to break quorum, and now the GOP is shrieking like toddlers denied their cookies.
What did they do?
- Texas governor Greg Abbott asked the state supreme court to fire a Democrat for not showing up.
- Senator John Cornyn called the FBI to arrest elected officials.
- Trump said sure, why not, round ’em up.
And then there was a bomb threat at the hotel where the Dems were hiding out.
Coincidence?
Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England.
🧬 “mRNA? More Like N-O-P-E”
Just to add a cherry on this shit sundae, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—your Secretary of Health and Unholy Side Effects—just canceled half a billion dollars in mRNA vaccine contracts.
Vaccines for COVID. For HIV. For cancer.
But don’t worry, he’s probably working on an alternative treatment made of moonlight and lawn clippings.
👀 “Don’t Look at the Epstein Files! Look Over There—A Squirrel!”
Oh right.
And the Epstein files? They’re coming out.
Trump’s name is in there. His deputy AG used to be Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer.
There was a meeting to “manage the messaging” that conveniently didn’t include Trump—and then mysteriously got canceled once the press found out.
Meanwhile, Epstein survivors are still waiting to be heard.
But hey, gotta prioritize the dignity of the predators, right?
📜 “The Constitution Has Left the Building”
And if all of this felt a little too normal, here’s your reminder:
Yesterday, large chunks of Article I of the Constitution disappeared from the Library of Congress website.
You know, the part that says:
- Only Congress can spend money.
- No gifts from foreign powers.
- Tariffs? Congress. Not the president.
- And habeas corpus—you know, freedom from unlawful detention.
Oops! Gone! Must’ve been a “coding error.”
Or maybe the fascists just decided to beta-test their next update on the source code of democracy.
💥 MIC DROP
So how much does fascism cost?
About $1.5 billion in FEMA funds, a couple hundred million in stock buybacks, one missing Constitution, and a rapidly vanishing sense of reality.
But hey—at least you don’t have to meet a GPA requirement to join ICE now.
Welcome to America 2025.
We don’t build walls anymore—we build dungeons.
And yes—you can pay in screams.