Snarky Disclaimer: The following rant is satire. It’s also what happens when you hand a Sharpie to a narcissist with a Napoleon complex and let him play economic Calvinball on live TV. Any resemblance to reality is, unfortunately, entirely intentional.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up for the latest episode of "America: The Dysfunctional Decline!" Starring your host and failed steak salesman, Donald “Tariff-My-Feelings” Trump, now proudly weaponizing Microsoft Word and delusion in equal measure!
This week’s episode opens with FOTUS discovering the magic of mail merge. That’s right—he sent identical letters, like a goddamn chain email from 2002, to Japan, South Korea, Malaysia, Laos, and whatever other countries he could remember between Diet Coke breaks, saying: “Hi there, you’re invited to an exclusive economic beatdown! Tariffs from 25% to 40%, RSVP by August 1.” Typed. Mailed. Posted. Tanked the markets.
Because nothing says “stable genius” like treating international trade like a tacky wedding invitation no one wants to RSVP to. “Hey Shinzo! You getting married to American steel prices yet? It’s open bar if you bring surrender.”
And the markets? Oh, they loved it. The Dow did the limbo, freight volumes sank like MAGA ethics, and ports on the West Coast are quieter than Melania on book tour. You know you’ve screwed up when the boats stop showing up.
And what’s the White House response? “We’re bringing in revenue!” Yeah, genius—from Americans! Tariffs aren’t taxes on THEM, you chuckleheads—they’re a tax on US. This administration is so dumb they think stealing your wallet and selling your belt back to you counts as economic growth. “Tariffs are working!” Working like a drunk ferret in a jewelry store.
But wait—there’s more! While the world shifts alliances, signs new defense pacts, and slowly backs away like we’re the sweaty guy ranting at a Denny’s, Trump is promising 90 trade deals in 90 days. What did we get? Zero deals. Two vague napkin sketches. And a global supply chain tied up like Marjorie Taylor Greene at a Mensa mixer.
Japan? Not biting. South Korea? Nope. Vietnam? They remember Trump’s real estate pitches and bulldozed cemeteries. Canada and the EU are cozying up without us, like an ex that finally found someone who respects boundaries and doesn’t scream “deep state” during brunch.
And tourism? Down $29 billion. Canadians don’t want to cross the border. Europeans? Staying the hell away. Brazilians aren’t buying condos in Miami anymore—probably because Trump’s threatening to tariff their ass if they land at JFK. “Come to America! The water’s privatized, the weather’s fake, and our president thinks yelling counts as diplomacy.”
This isn’t trade. This is denial. Denial that the empire’s sun is setting. Denial that threatening your neighbors makes you strong. Denial that tariffs make prices rise, jobs disappear, and the average Joe pay more for socks, soup, and screwdrivers.
Meanwhile, BRICS is taking over the global economy, and our big counterpunch is... letters.
Trump is leading us into the past, one unhinged fax at a time. He’s not making America great again—he’s making America irrelevant again. And the worst part is, he’s proud of it. “We’re bringing jobs back!” Yeah, right. You can’t tariff your way to 1950, buddy—not unless you also plan to bring back leaded gasoline and rotary phones.
This isn’t strategy. This is a toddler tantrum, scaled up to ruin economies.
So next time you hear him say “we’re winning,” check your grocery bill. Check your 401(k). Check the news from Tokyo, Berlin, or Seoul. And then ask yourself:
Are we really winning, or just losing louder?
Because this, my friends, is not a trade war.
 It’s a goddamn garage sale of American credibility.
 And all he’s selling… is what used to make us respected.
